You Can't Handle Aaron Sorkin's Top Five Movie Burns!

Aaron Sorkin speaks at a screening of ‘Steve Jobs’ (Getty Images)

Though film is largely considered a director’s medium, you can always tell when you’re watching a movie written by Aaron Sorkin. The 54-year-old screenwriter — who won a Best Adapted Screenplay award for his 2010 hit The Social Network — has several stylistic trademarks: There’s the rapid-fire, quick-witted back-and-forths; the passionate speechifying; and, of course, the wonderfully withering put-downs. With Steve Jobs now in theaters, it’s a perfect time to look back at some of our favorite Sorkin-scripted slams.

Malice

The Line: “You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I am God.” — Dr. Jed Hill

The Scene: Dr. Hill is a genius at his job with a salty tongue and little concern for what his friends and coworkers think of him — a classic Sorkin character. Sorkin’s villains sure like to pile on the theatrics when they’re in court, especially once they’ve been sworn in.

The American President

The Line: “This is a time for serious people, Bob, and your 15 minutes are up. My name is Andrew Shepherd, and I am the president.” — President Andrew Shepherd (Michael Douglas)

The Scene: Sorkin’s first dream liberal president, played by a charming Michael Douglas, forcefully fires back at his Republican rival Bob Rumson, a weasel portrayed by Richard Dreyfuss. The burn comes during the film’s climax, an impromptu speech that gets his administration back on track.

A Few Good Men

The Line: “You can’t handle the truth! I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide — and then questions the manner in which I provide it.” — Col. Jessep (Jack Nicholson)

The Scene: A high-stakes courtroom battle between an old school Marine (Nicholson) and a rookie Navy lawyer (Tom Cruise) is the centerpiece of Sorkin’s first feature film, and this damning eruption still ranks as one of the most memorable explosions of the Oscar-winning writer’s career.

Steve Jobs

The Line:
Steve Jobs (Michael Fassbender): “You didn’t have seconds, you had three weeks. The universe was created in a third of that time.”

Andy Hertzfeld (Michael Stuhlbarg): “Well, someday you’ll have to tell us how you did it.”

The Scene: Apple co-founder Steve Jobs, portrayed here as an egomaniacal taskmaster, is demanding that top engineer Andy Hertzfeld do the impossible and find a solution to a bug just minutes before they present the first Mac. Hertzfeld, at least in Sorkin’s version of events, was never afraid to stand up to Jobs, gets off a pretty solid quip during what is the biggest moment of his career.

The Social Network

The Line: “You’re going to go through life thinking that girls don’t like you because you’re a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won’t be true. It’ll be because you’re an asshole.” — Erica Albright (Rooney Mara)

The Scene: In a searing opening scene that first announced Mara’s talents to the world (and helped her become David Fincher’s Girl With the Dragon Tattoo), she plays Mark Zuckerberg’s (Jesse Eisenberg) disgusted girlfriend. In a film filled with memorable burns, this one stands out for the way it sticks to and haunts Zuckerberg throughout (even if he doesn’t always realize it).

The Runners Up:

The Social Network

The Line: “Sorry! My Prada’s at the cleaners! Along with my hoodie and my ‘f–k you’ flip-flops, you pretentious douchebag!” — Eduardo Saverin (Andrew Garfield)

The Scene: The second half of The Social Network focuses on how Sean Parker, the founder of Napster, became Zuckerberg’s most trusted adviser, usurping Facebook’s co-founder Eduardo Saverin. The flashy Parker could not be more different from the hard-working Saverin, who is not shy with his feelings as the drama amps up.

The Line: “You have part of my attention — you have the minimum amount. The rest of my attention is back at the offices of Facebook, where my colleagues and I are doing things that no one in this room, including and especially your clients, are intellectually or creatively capable of doing. Did I adequately answer your condescending question?” — Mark Zuckerberg (Jesse Eisenberg)

The Scene: A genius with an inflated ego and no time for your idiocy, lashing out while giving sworn testimony — sound familiar? In this case, it’s Zuckerberg firing back at an attorney for the Winkelvoss twins, the genetically perfect Harvard classmates who are suing him for allegedly stealing their idea.

Malice

The Line: “If you have a medical opinion, then please speak up and speak up loud. But if you ever again tell me or my surgical staff that we’re going to lose a patient, I’m gonna take out your lungs with a f–kin’ ice cream scoop.” — Dr. Jed Hill (Alec Baldwin)

The Scene: Here, Dr. Hill introduces himself to his colleagues in a way that is unlikely to get him invited to any office happy hours.