The Week in 'Wives: RHOP on camera, RHOBH on the offensive, and RHOSLC on ice

·5 min read

I hope you have your seatbelts on, Bravoholics, because the three hours of Housewives that we were served this week were all over the place. First of all, on The Real Housewives of Potomac, we got to see Candiace shoot the music video for "Drive Back," feat. the 'wives, where there were no cars but plenty of chaos. Next up, on The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, we saw Mary plan a home renovation and Whitney overshare about her sex life on national television. Finally, on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Erika shares more cryptic information about Tom, including an update long after she got it, but for some reason she's not the one being harassed about telling the truth. Here are the best, worst, and wildest moments from this week in 'wives!

HIGH POINT: No sportscars no problems, RHOP

First of all, "Drive Back" is… a totally real song! As in, not a self-reflexive novelty track about Candiace's own reality TV identity, but instead an authentic single that I actually do not hate listening to at all! Can you believe it? The highly anticipated music video shoot is predictably messy, with the Fast and Furious-styled 'wives showing up to an empty parking lot to stand around and wait, wondering where everyone else was but killing time by grilling Candiace's mom Dorothy for shady commentary about Chris' performance as a "husbanger," which she is all too willing to provide. Candiace eventually arrives, but none of the promised cars do, so our cast graciously allows their own luxury vehicles to appear in the background. The show must go on, ladies! Chris shows up in an apron and storms around furiously for a while, but once we get to the actual filming, it is pure Housewives joy. Karen gets most into character as an extra, crying out "congratulations" as Candiace greets the group and hugs each of them; as she walks away, Gizelle reacts, "not the skip-hop!" As you can see in the final product, however, Robyn has the pivotal role of directing Candiace back to her music-video love interest. Give her the Academy Award.

LOW POINT: You can't handle the truth, RHOBH

The dinner in Del Mar has to be a low point of the entire season, and not just because Erika continues to pretend she is somehow above Sutton in literally any way. No, it's because Dorit and Lisa, in matching patronizing voices that made them sound like a pair of power-mad kindergarten teachers from hell, lecture Garcelle about how the fact that she feels excluded from the group is incorrect, because they hereby decree that she has never been excluded from the group, so we can infer that she must be somehow isolating herself, which means she is the one who is not being a friend here. After the usual self-righteous, totally unwarranted cries of "tell the truth" from Dorit and Lisa, who have got to be two of the least sincere people I have ever seen on television, Garcelle breaks down (elegantly, though, as always). It's frankly disgusting the way her castmates gaslighted her to the point of weeping at the table about how her race sets her apart; it's almost as bad to see Lisa clutch her heart and congratulate herself after the fact for having gotten Garcelle to "open up." If Dorit and Lisa are so desperate for the truth, here it is: Garcelle has shown more character, more class, and more honesty this season than the two of them have in their entire tenures as Housewives combined. But sure, Dorit, go on and finish what you were saying.

WILDEST MOMENT: Ice capades, RHOSLC

Jen Shah seems to be trying to establish a redemption arc this season, but she really does make it difficult to get on board with her (and not just because of the allegations to come). She invites Heather to an isolated ice labyrinth (???) for their make-up churros, then grimaces through Heather's list of grievances, which includes being called a whole host of rude names ("manatee") and for which Heather has receipts. Jen declines to accept responsibility for this, in fact lamenting that Heather would trust screenshots of a verified Jen Shah social media account rather than just believe Jen herself saying that she did not say the things written there in plain sight. She cries that she has been treated differently her whole life because of her race, which I completely believe is true, but I also believe that that does not disqualify the specific issue of Heather being hurt that Jen called her "Honey Boo Boo." I wouldn't even know how to summarize the whole convoluted conversation if I tried, but the point is, they decide to just make up despite the extreme dysfunction at the heart of this relationship. Is it a metaphor that their friendship churros, plucked straight out of the fire, burned Jen's tongue?

👑 QUEEN OF THE WEEK 👑 Garcelle, RHOBH

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Bravo Garcelle Beauvais on 'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.'

DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH: For a RHONY reunion.

JUSTICE FOR: "The lady" who works for Kathy Hilton and had to bring her forgotten monogrammed handbag to the side of the highway. (RHOBH)

WE'RE ALL MAD HERE: In Mary's dining room. (RHOSLC)

Real Housewives of Salt Lake City
Real Housewives of Salt Lake City

Bravo Mary Cosby on 'The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City.'

FOURTH WALL BREAK ALERT: Gizelle's daughter Grace almost extremely literally breaks the fourth wall by lurching towards a cameraman while practicing driving in an empty lot. My heart goes out to her. Learning to drive is humiliating enough when it's only your mom witnessing the struggle. (RHOP)

ADVERB OF THE WEEK: "Allegedly." (RHOBH)

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