Unsocial hours: the best video games to play in ‘goblin mode’

Earlier this week, “goblin mode” was announced as Oxford’s word of the year, bringing a new level of awareness – and hopefully acceptance – to this previously misunderstood and maligned lifestyle choice. It is defined as “a type of behaviour which is unapologetically self-indulgent, lazy, slovenly, or greedy, typically in a way that rejects social norms or expectations” (also known, throughout lockdown, as simply “existing”), though the exact parameters of the term have been much discussed. But one thing is certain: video games are the perfect goblin mode entertainment. They can be enjoyed from bed, they require little energy and yet they simulate a lot of real-world activities so you can at least pretend to be a functioning member of the human race.

But not all games are suitable for goblin mode. Pokémon Go is an absolute no-go (you have to go outside) as are Just Dance (you have to stand up) and driving sims such as Gran Turismo 7 (waaaaay too intense). It is important to play games that complement your slovenly state of mind. Here, then, are some perfect picks for those dank, dungeon-dwelling days of duvet exile.

Hades

In purely aesthetic terms, the dungeon crawler genre, in which players explore gloopy subterranean tunnels fighting slime monsters and stealing loot, is surely the official game type of goblin mode. The Diablo series is the popular example but Hades is our choice, because not only do you spend the whole game in a mythological underworld (the perfect setting if you’re playing from beneath a duvet and seven fleece blankets), but you also get to flirt with beautiful Greek gods, so you can pretend you’re in a “relationship”, or whatever it is other people do when they meet in real life.

The Sims 4

The problem with binging Netflix dramas while in goblin mode is that eventually you’re going to run out of episodes, then you’re just sitting there in your pyjamas desperately flicking through the menu screen for another series, which is stressful and too active. The Sims 4 is a living drama in which you model a household, fill it with dysfunctional people and then let them get on with messing up their lives as you watch like some swampy god, while occasionally revealing your omniscience by rearranging their garden furniture. There’s also no end so you can play continuously until you’re good and ready to exit goblin mode.

Strange Horticulture

This little detective game is a dark treat, easily enjoyed from your sofa in the middle of the night. You play the owner of an occult florist shop attempting to find the right plants for an array of strange customers, each with a story to uncover. The game is filled with weirdos and foliage and little books housing multiple illustrations of mushrooms. A sleepy goblin’s delight. (See also Coffee Talk.)

Total War: Warhammer 3

OK, so you have dreams of total domination and bloody victory but can’t quite summon the energy to raise an army of monsters? Fine. Total Warhammer 3 is a ridiculously in-depth battle strategy sim set in a fantasy universe where you can spend hours planning and enacting vast military campaigns, thereby experiencing the thrill of “achievement”, whatever that is. Also, there are actual goblins.

Animal Crossing: New Horizons

If your version of goblin mode is unadulterated coziness, this game is your sacred text. Inhabit a picturesque little island, making friends with your lovely anthropomorphic neighbours, doing up your house and running errands. Just absolute lazy bliss.

Unpacking

If you fantasise about being the sort of person who is capable of tidying a room, this should be a treat for you. It’s all about unpacking your things as you move into a series of apartments, and each object tells a part of your character’s life story. It’s as lovely and warm and encompassing as a big weighted blanket.

Slime Rancher

A farming game in which you rear cute little slime monsters is a total goblin mode vibe. The slime people produce teeny diamond plops which you can sell, and although there are moments of tension, it’s weirdly relaxing. For goblins looking for meatier challenge, the more complex Stardew Valley has a similar combination of earthy pursuits and gentle drama.

Elden Ring

If you play properly, Elden Ring is hard, which may not fit in with the goblin lifestyle. However, you can also just wander the weird mucilaginous landscapes watching horrible clammy monsters going about their lives, and occasionally stab at something with your sword. The game is so immersive and huge, you can be lost for days without once having to emerge from your pit, and if you’re stuck on a boss you can summon another player to help, which absolutely counts as a valid social interaction.

Untitled Goose Game

If you want to take revenge on the world while lying in a pile of Quality Street wrappers and empty bottles of Irn-Bru, this is the perfect option. You are a terrible goose whose goal is to make the inhabitants of a quaint village as miserable as possible. Peck them while they’re gardening, hide their tools, scare their children – be an absolute goblin menace to society without having to actually interact with society.