So, through some cruel twist of fate or situation of your own making, you’re trapped – stuck for the night, and most likely under the threat some crazed masked psychos, the serial killer across the street, or a mob on Nazi punks.
In Jeremy Saulnier’s tense, terrifying ‘Green Room’, in UK cinemas now, leads Anton Yelchin and Imogen Poots find themselves trapped at the hands of an angry skinhead mob, led by Patrick Stewart.
But how does one survive said scenario? Here are some of the greatest ever house arrest movies with some essential tips on how to escape with your life (and limbs) intact.
1. Be A Total Badass
As Seen In: ‘You’re Next’
The Scenario: Your boyfriend’s big family get-together is interrupted by a troupe of mask-wearing psychopaths, who start murdering the in-laws in the most horrific ways imaginable. Which means you’re pretty much stuck there, unless you want an axe to the face.
The Survival Tip: Like Erin (Sharni Vinson) – the unsuspecting girlfriend caught up in the family massacre – you should spend years preparing for exactly this kind of scenario by living on a survivalist camp and becoming a hardcore martial arts/weapons expert. The mask-wearing psychos won’t know what’s hit ‘em.
Back-Up Plan: Hide in cupboard and hope no one finds you.
2. Don’t Be Nosy
As Seen In: ‘Rear Window’
The Scenario: So just like L.B. Jefferies (James Stewart) you’ve broken your leg and now you’re confined to a wheelchair. Which means you’ll be stuck in your apartment for the best of six weeks, with nothing to keep you amused but a telescopic camera lens and a rather good view through the windows across the street.
The Survival Tip: As tempting as it is to spy on your neighbours to relieve the boredom, you will either a) get reported as a peeping tom, or b) discover one of them is in fact a murderer and become their next target because you’re such a relentless nosy-parker.
Back-Up Plan: Some sort of gun stuffed down the leg cast might be a good idea. Unless it goes off by mistake, of course.
3. Never Repeat Other People’s Mistakes
As Seen In: ‘Disturbia’
The Scenario: Swap Jimmy Stewart with a cast for Shia LaBeouf with an electronic tag and you’re pretty much there – except it’s not just spying on the friendly neighbourhood serial killer, but filming him and getting mates to break into his house as well.
The Survival Tip: Clearly LaBeouf hasn’t watched ‘Rear Window’ or he’d never have gotten himself into such a mess. He’d have put the binoculars down, minded his own business, and let the serial killer get on with his work. It’s sound advice unless you want to be next on the hit list.
Back-Up Plan: Never mind the fact you’re an ASBO with an electronic tag, just run over to the neighbour’s place and skewer him with some gardening shears. The police won’t mind.
4. Always Check Behind Doors
As Seen In: ‘Green Room’
The Scenario: Picture the scene: your punk band has witnessed a murder and now you’re all trapped in a rather unfriendly skinhead club, surrounded by a white supremacist version of Captain Picard (yes, it’s Patrick Stewart) and his gang of ultra-violent thugs.
The Survival Tip: If someone tells you to blindly stick your arm out the door to pass them something (in this case, surrender a gun), don’t do it – lest you want your limb mangled up by an overzealous machete-wielding lunatic. Proof you really can’t trust a Nazi.
Back-Up Plan: If your arm does get mangled, you can always wrap it in duct tape, go native with a machete of your own and kill as many skinheads as possible. It’s safe to say your guitar playing skills won’t quite be the same after, though.
Try Not To Cut Off Your Own Foot
As Seen In: ‘Saw’
The Scenario: You’ve woken up in some weird, old bathroom. Your ankle’s chained to some pipes, there’s someone else chained up across the room, and some bloke called Jigsaw is intent on playing games with you. Yep, looks like you’re stuck here for the long haul.
The Survival Tip: Whatever you do, don’t slice off any appendages – particularly your feet. It might seem like the only way to escape at the time, but as Dr Lawrence Gordon (Cary Elwes) soon discovers, things are not always what they seem. And you’d probably only get about 10 yards before passing out, bleeding to death, or stubbing your bloody stump on the door. Ouch.
Back-Up Plan: Just shoot the other bloke like Jigsaw asked you to at the start. It would save a lot of faffing around with riddles and severed limbs etc.
‘Green Room’ is in UK cinemas now
Picture credits: Broad Green Pictures, DreamWorks, HanWay Films, Paramount, Evolution Entertainment