Teresa Giudice’s Wedding Hair Is a Marvel of the Universe

Photo Illustration by Elizabeth Brockway/The Daily Beast/Instagram/MrsJillZarin
Photo Illustration by Elizabeth Brockway/The Daily Beast/Instagram/MrsJillZarin

It has come to my attention (I spent approximately 35 seconds googling it) that there are seven wonders of the world, the youngest of which has been around for 91 years. How thrilling and historic, then, to be alive for the unveiling of what is certain to be the eighth: Teresa Giudice’s hair at her own wedding.

Listen, I don’t have good hair. I’m not particularly fashionable or up on the trends. But I know enough to know that Teresa Giudice’s wedding hairstyle is remarkable.

Like every bride, I hope that Teresa Giudice, a cast member on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, felt beautiful on her big day. She married Luis “Louie” Ruelas on Saturday in East Brunswick, New Jersey. She did look gorgeous. I know this, because there exist more photos of this wedding than of me over my entire life.

It was perhaps the most photographed and social media’d wedding that there ever has been. Sometimes, celebrities get married and ban guests from documenting the occasion, wanting to keep things intimate and private. Other times, you are a New Jersey Housewife, and the wifi at your wedding venue is forced to fight for its life because of how many iPhones are trying to upload Instagram stories at the same time.

Because of these Good Samaritans, we now have these photos to gaze at for eternity. How does one even begin to describe Teresa Giudice’s wedding hair? How did Shakespeare begin his greatest works? How did God start the Bible?

Who knew that hair could even look like this? Emerging from a tiara/crown situation is a bulbous bouffant, the highest-achieving bump-it since Snooki first arrived on the Jersey Shore. One assumes a Costco-sized order of combs were procured for the occasion, to tease it towards the clouds. Aquanet stock prices have hit record levels.

The hair is curled and wavy in a mesmerizing fashion. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. It appears to be sectioned as if to resemble rosettes, or perhaps a glamorous artichoke. It seems soft and crunchy at the same time. I wasn’t aware that hair could be spherical, yet here we are.

From there, a cascade of highlighted extensions “flow,” fabulous strands of ramen noodles boiled to the perfect toothsome texture. From every angle, it is mesmerizing. If someone had asked me, “What will Teresea Giudice’s hair look like at her much-hyped second wedding?” I would have described exactly this, yet I also could never have imagined it.

There’s been obvious interest in Giudice’s wedding among Bravo fans. Reports suggest that many of her relatives, including her brother Joe Gorga and sister-in-law Melissa Gorga, were not in attendance. In their place were well over a dozen Real Housewives past and current, a blessed population of women desperate to use the event for social-media klout, who also happened to bear witness to this absolute marvel of coiffure.

For us, few things have ever been as monumental as the unveiling of the Teresa wedding hair. Andy Cohen himself teased a huge scoop—an interview with the stylist behind the look—in a Monday morning tweet, accompanied by a caricature illustration in which the hair threatens to envelop Giudice’s body entirely. The big news: Allegedly 1,500 bobby pins were used to accomplish the look. Teresa Giudice’s wedding hair ranks among the greatest feats of American engineering.

It goes without saying that the hair has been the talk of Twitter all weekend, and the buzz hasn’t stopped.

What’s so special about this chatter is the very specific tone that really only exists in the Housewives fandom. Yes, of course people are being shady in the way they’re talking about the hair, but it’s also coming from a place of pure love and celebration. The greatest thing that could have happened at Teresa Giudice’s wedding is for her to have an entirely over-the-top and absurd hairstyle. She would look, somehow, naked without it. We are so grateful for her to have chosen this look. She looks perfect, like her specific version of beautiful.

Sharing in this moment, the viral attention she’s receiving over her hair, is like being invited to the wedding ourselves. Sure, we’ll see the actual nuptials when Bravo airs the special it reportedly filmed at the event this weekend. But this was our real ceremony. We wish Teresa and Louie nothing but the best, along with all the luck in the world, as they continue to discover bobby pins on the floor for the next seven-to-12 months.

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