Yahoo Movies How to Talk to Your Kids About Gun Violence in the Wake of the Uvalde Elementary School Shooting
ALLISON DINNER/getty Families hug outside the Willie de Leon Civic Center in Uvalde, Texas
After immense tragedy struck this week in Uvalde, Texas, where 21 people were killed, people across the nation have once again been left speechless.
A gunman, who has been identified as Uvalde resident Salvador Ramos, opened fire late Tuesday morning at Robb Elementary School, killing 19 students, a teacher and another adult.
The devastating event — occurring less than two weeks after an alleged white supremacist shot and killed 10 people inside a grocery store in Buffalo, N.Y — adds yet another difficult and anxiety-provoking subject parents are left to discuss with their children: gun violence.
While most kids already have a slight grasp on the horrific act — children regularly practice active shooter drills at school — it's important to have age-appropriate conversations about their concerns and offer tools they can use to act and feel safe at school.
Don't know where to start? Below, PEOPLE offers guidance from experts on how to engage with kids on the worrisome subject.
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RELATED: Texas School Shooting Leaves 21 Dead Including 19 Children and 2 Adults
Start the Conversation, Don't Wait for Them to Bring It Up
"Make sure [the family] is all together, take a deep breath and jump in," Dr. Robin Gurwitch, a psychologist and professor at Duke University Medical Center and a member of the PEOPLE Health Squad, tells PEOPLE. "It can be as simple as, 'There was a shooting at a school in Texas, tell me what you've heard about it.' That allows you to find out where the conversation starts and you can listen for any misinformation or misperceptions that they may have about it so that you may gently correct it."
"I'd remember that kids rarely bring up distressing topics with their words — if an event or news is overwhelming for us to speak about it, imagine how a young child feels — so be on the lookout for increased separation anxiety, sleep struggles, reactivity, tantrums — which may be signs that a child overheard the news and needs your help processing it," adds Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist and the founder of parenting resource Good Inside.
Following the "information gathering," Gurwitch says parents should ask their children how they're feeling about the situation and "acknowledge it rather than try to talk them out of any feelings they're having."
"The science tells us that when we try to shield our children, they're actually more at risk for mental health concerns than parents who talk to their children," she explains. "Any child that goes to school is going to hear about it on the bus, in the hallway, from older siblings, so to think that they're not going to know about this is unrealistic. Having that conversation tells the child that my caregiver is willing to talk about the hard things."
Getty Mom talking to son
Do Your Research Ahead of Time
"It's important for parents to know the information, to be prepared to address questions that may come up. Children may ask how many people died or if the person who did it could hurt someone else, so gathering information from trusted sources is important," says Gurwitch.
The professor says it's also okay to share with children that the situation is making you "worried or scared or anxious or angry or however you may be feeling."
"Let them know that even though those feelings are there that you believe you will be able to go forward. You believe that we're going to be okay. That's what children are looking for, the reestablishment of a sense of safety and security. We need to be part of that," she adds.
Reinforce the Ideas of Safety and Security at School
"For children around the country that are asking you, 'Is it okay to go to school?' We can't promise that nothing will happen. We've learned enough over the past many years that we can't ever make that promise. But what we can say is, 'Your school is doing everything it can to make sure that you are safe at school.' "
Gurwitch says it's important to acknowledge a child's fears of going back to school and let them know that as a parent or caregiver, you wouldn't send them anywhere if you were worried about their safety.
Make the Conversation Age-Appropriate
The amount of details parents should share about an attack depends on the age of the child, says Gurwitch. "I don't need to share with my 5-year-old that DNA is being collected. That doesn't mean anything to them and it can just be scary because they don't understand the words you're using. We want to talk to children at a level they can understand."
Adds Kennedy, "Kids need parents to be honest with them — and at the same time, we need to remember that honesty isn't the same thing as flooding. Remember that kids who ask questions are looking for answers. Once a child asks a question about a detail, they're letting you know that they are worrying about this detail — and we don't want to leave a child alone with their worries."
If you have children that are really spread in age, both Gurwitch and Kennedy suggest having separate conversations at a level each of them can understand.
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Both experts also note that it's okay if a parent can't answer every question — but it's always important to circle back.
"If they ask a question and you don't know the answer, it's okay to say, 'I don't know. But I will find out and let you know.' It shouldn't be a one and done. It should be a one and I'll be checking in on you," says Gurwitch.
Monitor Your Kids' Exposure to the News and Media
Preschool children should not be exposed [to the news] at all, says Gurwitch. "Do not watch it, do not listen to it, do not discuss it in front of really little children. They don't understand and they will fill in the blanks and it will be completely wrong. As children get older you want to monitor what they're seeing on social media, what they're reading, what they're seeing on TV."
If kids are watching coverage of a shooting on TV, Gurwitch says it's important to turn it off afterward and "talk about what you saw."
"If you watched a story on the nightly news together, turn it off and talk about it. If you were watching TV when there was the news break for the president's speech, talk about that afterward."
Offer Tools to Cope with Anxiety at School
"It might be taking a moment and doing some breathing. Parents can practice this with their children. Whether it is breathing like visualizing a square, or breathing in a color and letting that color infuse them with good feelings and breathing out gray that takes out the anxiety that's inside. It doesn't have to be for very long. It can just be for a few moments to get themselves together."
"What have families done to help cope with the stressors over the last two and half years, I think we use those to get through," says Gurwitch.
Getty Images Children board a school bus in a line
Adds Kennedy, "Kids learn to soothe anxiety through their relationship with their parents — remember, we are our kids' secure base, and they need to feel our connection to feel less anxious. Pack pictures and encourage your child to look at them during the day. Teach your child how to validate their own feelings with a mantra such as 'it's okay to feel nervous' — after all, validating our feelings helps us manage our feelings."
Continue to Check on Your Children and Seek Help When Necessary
"Most children will be okay. But it's not that since most children will be okay that we don't do something. It's because of what we do that they are actually going to be okay. This means we are giving them that support that they need, we are giving them that sense of comfort, we are talking to them about how they're doing and we're answering questions they may have," Gurwitch says.
Parents should seek help from professionals should they notice any change in their child that doesn't seem to be getting better or anytime parents are worried about a child's day-to-day functioning, she advises.
"It is really okay to ask [for help]. Start with your pediatrician or family doctor. Start with your local mental health center that can guide you to resources that may be available to help," she says. "It's better to ask for help than to just wait and see."
If you or someone you know needs mental health help, text "STRENGTH" to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 to be connected to a certified crisis counselor.
The school district in Uvalde has opened an official account with First State Bank of Uvalde to support Robb Elementary families affected by the tragedy. People can send checks through the mail (payable to the "Robb School Memorial Fund") or donate money through Zelle to robbschoolmemorialfund@gmail.com. People can also donate by calling 830-356-2273.
