I shout at plants and browbeat the vacuum cleaner. I tell the dishwasher I hate it. What’s wrong with me?

Emma Beddington
·2 min read

There has been a flurry of debate about whether people do or do not have an inner monologue. What none of us has, really, is an adequate vocabulary to explain what goes on in our heads, or convey it to others. We can’t grasp how others experience their inner lives, just as we can’t know what they see or hear.

Currently, though, my inner monologue is striving to bridge that gap by becoming an outer monologue. I have spent longer than usual – on balance, probably too long – alone recently, as various members of my family went away, and I have started vocalising the stuff that used to stay in my head. Talking to yourself isn’t necessarily bad (one study found it might help you find your keys, sort of, but talking to objects is revealing troubling things about me.

I’m nice enough when I talk to the dog, even though he is deaf and stonily indifferent. But when I moved on to inanimate things, I was alarmed to discover I am horrible to them. Plenty of people talk to plants, but not as rudely as me. “I’m very disappointed in you,” I lectured a sickly sunflower recently, then barked: “Come on, that’s pathetic!” at the raspberries, like a boorish gym teacher. The pest-ravaged brassicas came in for some egregious victim-blaming: “You must be doing something to attract them,” I said suspiciously. “Everyone else is fine and look at you!”

Indoors, I found myself addressing – well, bullying – the robot vacuum cleaner. “What the hell are you doing under the sofa? What would it take for you to do your actual job?” The useless dishwasher regularly gets a hissed: “I hate you and everything you stand for,” and last week I shouted at the shower: “I can’t stand it: you need to stop dripping or I’ll rip you off the wall.”

I thought I was the mild-mannered sort who would apologise to a bollard for walking into it, so this naked nastiness has shaken me to my foundations. What can the neighbours think? I’m taking some time for properly silent reflection.

  • Emma Beddington is a Guardian columnist

  • Up next
  • Up next
  • Up next
  • Up next

Latest Stories

  • Lloyds sees profits slip but reassures City on outlook -- house prices to rise

    Britain’s biggest bank predicts three rate cuts this year

  • Liverpool XI vs Everton: Confirmed team news, predicted lineup, injury latest for Merseyside derby today

    Mohamed Salah leading stars hoping for a recall

  • Best mobile games to play now 2024 from Minecraft to Jetpack Joyride

    Need some ideas on what to play next on your phone?

  • Why autism and ADHD self-diagnosis may be inaccurate

    Every few months, 52-year-old Peter* would find himself in trouble with his wife. Sitting silently during an argument and unable to speak, he couldn’t process anything levelled at him. He didn’t know what was wrong, except noticing that he had a weird pattern of “getting stuck in a rut”, hyper-fixating on interests such as programming and PC gaming at the expense of spending time with his wife.

  • Olly Alexander to bring Eurovision magic to EastEnders

    This year's UK Eurovision entrant will make a surprise visit to Walford next month.

  • Bitter neighbour boundary dispute been settled in court - after raging for DECACES

    A bitter neighbour boundary dispute has been settled in court - after raging for DECADES. The row between two warring pensioners revolves around a quarter of an acre of disputed territory - with both parties saying it has cost them tens of thousands and affected their mental health. Angela Coupe, 70, claims she first bought 1.5 acres of land in 1972, a five minute drive from her detached bungalow in Chesterfield, which she used for horses in 1974. She built a wooden post along a concrete boundary which she said had been there since the 1930s. The retired social worker and former Marie Curie nurse said she was “horrified” when she caught her neighbour Ian Revell, 66, and his late father moving the posts in her field in the mid 1990s and approached them. She claims that she is entitled to 1.5 acres, and that the Revell family sold a quarter of an acre in 1945, leaving them with 0.77 of an acre. However, Mr Revell has refused to budge and hit back at her claims. He claims they are each entitled to one acre, meaning that Angela is currently encroaching by taking half an acre more than she is entitled to. For nearly 30 years the two families have been at loggerheads, but Southern Derby Magistrates Court has now ruled in favour of Mr Revell with a judge ruling his adversary had lied about putting up a fence. Following the verdict, Angela said she was "appalled" while Ian said it was only right as he claimed the plot had been in his family for years. Angela has levelled the land she believes she owns and placed the good soil inside her boundary for further use for the land. She has also now claimed Mr Revell trapped the top soil in when he moved the fence. She uses the land for her animals, including four rescue pigs.

  • Manchester United vs Sheffield Utd: Prediction, kick-off time, team news, TV, live stream, h2h, odds today

    Red Devils continue in chaotic fashion

  • Springwatch's Chris Packham and stepdaughter Megan McCubbin unite for heartwarming cause

    The duo are raising money for the Bat Conservation Trust and the Helping Rhinos charity as part of Big Give's Green Match Fund campaign

  • KPMG hires former prisoners amid battle to reduce crime

    One of Britain’s Big Four accountancy firms is hiring former prisoners as part of the Government’s push to cut reoffending rates.

  • Former Labour minister Frank Field dies aged 81 after cancer battle

    Frank Field was director of the Child Poverty Action Group between 1969 and 1979, and the Member of Parliament for Birkenhead between 1979 and 2019

  • Q1 2024 Nucor Corp Earnings Call

    Q1 2024 Nucor Corp Earnings Call

  • Ofcom issues warning over politician presenters ahead of general election

    The regulator said breaches could result in sanctions.

  • Yen's slide toward 160 level could trigger action, says senior ruling party official

    Japan's ruling party is not yet in active discussion on what yen levels would be deemed worth intervening in the market, though the currency's slide towards 160 to the dollar could prod policymakers to act, party executive, Takao Ochi, told Reuters. "There is no broad consensus right now, but if the yen slides further toward 160 or 170 to the dollar, that may be deemed excessive and could prompt policymakers to consider some action," Ochi said in an interview on Tuesday. Right now, however, there has been little active discussion on what yen levels would be deemed appropriate for such action, said Ochi, the secretary-general of the Liberal Democratic Party's (LDP) research commission on the finance and banking systems.

  • Dow Jones Futures: Market Rallies, Tesla Soars As Elon Musk Touts 'Affordable' EV, Robotaxi

    The rally attempt is gaining steam. Tesla soared as Elon Musk said "affordable" EVs will come in 2025 and touted robotaxis.

  • Lloyds profits drop 28% after bumper 2023

    The banking group's results showed it had made less money from loans and mortgages compared with last year.

  • Shogun, review: historical epic shows others how it’s done with a finale of grace and guile

    The original 1980 Shōgun mini-series was a romping epic featuring gratuitous beheadings and a hunky Richard Chamberlain wandering around looking confused. Disney+’s new adaptation of James Clavell’s best-selling chronicle of dynastic rivalry in 17th-century Japan is far more sparing in its use of violence. The only ones likely to be stumbling around perplexed, meanwhile, are viewers who failed to give this dense but ultimately gripping historical drama the necessary attention.

  • Brokerage Haitong removes long-term Hong Kong unit chief Lin, appoints new head

    Chinese brokerage Haitong Securities removed Lin Yong from chief executive of its Hong Kong-based offshore unit, according to an internal memo and a company source with knowledge of the matter. Lin, who had been Haitong International Securities' CEO in Hong Kong since 2007, was removed from the top post, according to the memo reviewed by Reuters. He is one of the longest-serving helmsman at any Chinese investment bank in Hong Kong, leading the offshore unit to become one of the banks that issued the most offshore high yield bonds of Chinese companies in the last decade.

  • Pensioners' fears over income tax burden

    Charities report heightened concern among pensioners who fear being dragged into paying income tax.

  • Famous garden's cherry blossoms reveal hidden secret

    Stunning images show Alnwick Garden in full bloom – as social media users say the aerial shots reveal a saucy secret. The garden's famous cherry blossom orchard boasts the largest Taihaku orchard in the world with 329 trees. Amazing aerial photos and video show that despite the wet spring, the blossom has finally bloomed. Once the blossom falls, the tens of thousands of petals will be used to flavour a £35-a-bottle Cherry Blossom gin.

  • FTSE 100 Live 24 April: Lloyds profits slip; blue-chips at record levels again

    The rejuvenated FTSE 100 index touched a new record today in a session when the focus turned to UK banking stocks. Lloyds Banking Group kicked off the sector’s reporting season by posting a 28% fall in first quarter profits alongside unchanged full-year guidance. Other companies in the spotlight today included Reckitt Benckiser, Jet2 and the Carex business PZ Cussons.