I secretly contacted my father – now my mother refuses to speak to me

I am 36 years old. I hadn’t seen my father since I was five, but at the age of 25, after a particularly difficult crisis and lack of support from my mother and stepfather, I sought him out. The subsequent years, with regular contact, felt nourishing.

I had to keep the relationship quiet to avoid potentially upsetting my mother and stepfather. However after the birth of my first child the issue became more salient and my mother then cut off contact. I only heard why through my stepfather, who was angry with me. He told me that she feels betrayed and disrespected. I am now attempting to reconcile with at least my mother and my siblings on her side.

My father says that he would have tried to have had more contact if he had been allowed but he resigned himself, without the means for legal assistance and no open channel of rational dialogue.

Am I justified in thinking that my stepfather’s behaviour has been unreasonable? Or should I have declared my total loyalty to my mother as my father was not willing to take full responsibility? I should mention that my parents were 17 years old at the time and undoubtedly the events had a big impact on their lives.

A couple of salient details were missing from your letter: how did your mother find out you were seeing your dad? How long ago did she cut off contact with you? It also sounded like some of your siblings are on her side and some on yours?

There were a lot of grownups in your childhood picture who need to take responsibility for their actions. You did nothing wrong in seeking out your father. Love is not about declaring total loyalty, but having the freedom and support from loved ones to have who you want in your life – just as your mother did.

Psychotherapist Nicola McCarry (psychotherapy.org.uk) says: “Wherever possible and, of course not if there’s abuse or neglect, contact with both parents should be supported and facilitated for the benefit of the child. You had a right to have contact with both of your biological parents.”

I wonder why your mother stopped you seeing him when you were five? I see too many letters where children are used as ammunition between parents who split up.

“Often when a couple separate,” says McCarry, “the resident parent may struggle with their own overwhelming emotions and imagine they are protecting the child from the harm they themselves have experienced [in the separation]. But they may then withdraw contact with the other person as a form of retaliation in wanting the other [parent] to suffer as they have.”

It may also have been, as McCarry pointed out that “she hoped your stepfather would have replaced your need for a biological father”.

But things are rarely that simple. As McCarry says: “You can’t magic away someone’s feelings. Indeed, children often experience being cut off [from a parent] as abandonment or rejection and can develop a story of not being lovable or worthwhile, which they can carry into adult attachment.”

Whatever happened between your mum and dad, it should not impact on their ability as parents and, in the absence of a real reason for her keeping you from him, your mother did not have the right to make this judgment call. And neither she, nor your stepdad, now has the right to tell you who you can be in contact with. Clearly you want them all in your life.

How are you most comfortable communicating with your mother? I am a fan of letters or emails because then words can’t be twisted and there’s a record – always a good idea in an emotionally charged situation. McCarry suggested: “Make her an overture acknowledging that she has strong feelings but saying you really want her in your life. Hope that she will respond but make sure you don’t keep hurting yourself in the process.”

I would add: make it clear you have strong feelings too, and that who you have in your life is your choice. And give it time if she has only recently found out. But, in the end, if she will only make up on her own terms, hard though it is, you have to accept that your mum’s happiness can’t depend on your obedience.

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