Just when you thought things couldn't get any weirder in Riverdale, we're doing Biblical plagues! And as Percival attacks Riverdale with frogs, swarming flies, lice, and such, Toni and Fangs decide to have their wedding, like, right now. Because there's nothing like a plague to get people in the mood for a wedding!
After Toni asks Veronica to plan said wedding, Veronica (Camila Mendes) begins questioning her life. She used to run Wall Street — now, she's living in Riverdale with no social life and no lover! According to her, she has "nothing," which I think is particularly rude to her best friend Betty (Lili Reinhart), but whatever. For now — and pretty much this entire episode — all Veronica can think about is how she doesn't have a date for this wedding.
As the water runs red in Riverdale, Percival tells Archie (KJ Apa) to call off the strike. But seeing as how red is obviously Archie's favorite color, he holds his ground. Instead, Cheryl suggests they kill Percival.
Speaking of Cheryl, Toni asks her ex to officiate her wedding in what might just be the cruelest move Toni has EVER made. Everyone can see Cheryl still loves you and you're now going to make her marry you off to SOMEONE ELSE?!
While Percival rots some food with his latest spell, Cheryl and Heather work together to try and, quite literally, burn him alive. But when he casts a counter spell to their attack, it's Nana Rose who suffers. As if Cheryl isn't already having a bad enough day, she gets to watch Nana Rose catch fire. But somehow, the woman doesn't die! At least not yet...
Michael Courtney/The CW Camila Mendes as Veronica on 'Riverdale'
Meanwhile, at the rehearsal dinner, Veronica does potentially one of the rudest things she's ever done — and she ordered a hit on her own father. Still hung up on her personal situation, she sings "The Ladies Who Lunch" and, essentially, makes the rehearsal all about her. Even Betty and Archie are stunned.
Thankfully, Toni got all of the cruelty out of her system earlier, so she doesn't seem to mind, but Betty does talk to Veronica and reminds her that SHE'S HER BEST FRIEND. Apparently, Veronica forgot that she's still in Riverdale because she loves her friends (and also because there are literal plagues happening that she needs to help with).
The gang figures out a new plan: Use Kevin as an inside man and get him to steal Percival's little black notebook. Spoiler alert: That doesn't work. But Kevin does get some interesting intel: When Percival receives a particular stockade, Heather gets an idea. If they can trap Percival in the stockade, it will render him powerless.
So, while Archie works on the railway alone carrying ridiculously large beams — all of his workers are currently covered in boils — the gang heads over to trap Percival. And their plan works! Percival is successfully in the stockade and locked in Veronica's vault by wedding time! Although, someone might want to tell Archie because he's still carrying around those beams long after Percival is powerless.
And that brings us to the wedding, which Cheryl is shockingly underdressed for?! Cheryl spends every moment of her life being absurdly overdressed, and yet she seems to be one of the only people in pants and a leather jacket? I know it's her Serpent jacket, but still.
Regardless, she marries Toni and Fangs and then everyone hits the dance floor as Kevin, who was barely invited to this wedding in the first place, is apparently promoted to wedding singer in a matter of minutes.
But Percival isn't done yet. After his beloved grasshoppers show up and chew through the stockade, he heads right over to Nana Rose to enact the final plague: Death of the first borns. He kills Nana Rose in her bed, which sets things in motion. At the wedding, Archie is the first to collapse. Then Toni and Fangs and every other first born — aside from baby Anthony — in attendance. They all die. But thankfully, Heather knows a necromancer... named Sabrina. (We know her too Heather, don't feel too cool.)
Oh, and I should probably mention that Veronica is still hung up on Archie, to the point where she asks Tabitha if Varchie or Barchie is endgame. Honestly, someone get that girl a date!
While all of this is going on, Jughead is unknowingly writing about Rivervale in the bunker, having his stories stolen by La Llorona and, eventually, coming face to face with... himself. But before Rivervale's Jug can say anything, our Jug collapses from the plague.
So yeah, it's absolute chaos up in here. For now, let's just hope Sabrina has a better grasp on this necromancy thing than the last time she tried it.