Ramona Singer’s Instagram Account Is the Scariest Place on the Internet

·8 min read

There is a secluded corner in the far reaches of the World Wide Web that is so petrifying that few have lived to tell the tale once they’ve stumbled upon it. It’s scarier than any Creepypasta story. Far more dangerous and nefarious than the Dark Web. Some say it has existed in the world for hundreds of years, taking a new form every century as technology continues to modernize—you might even call it…ageless.

To tap your hot little thumbs over to Real Housewives of New York City star Ramona Singer’s Instagram account is to willingly push yourself down a rabbit hole to the most shrouded depths of the internet’s core.

Here, you’ll confront the nature of the human psyche and come face to face with the enormous weight of the conscience. Across the platform’s many visual venues, Singer continues to throw the notion of guilt out the window of her high-rise apartment and instead opts for an ill-conceived, perplexing hunt for public redemption despite never showing an ounce of contrition. It’s like watching a very blonde hamster lose its footing while running on a wheel, only to pick itself back up again before falling back into a perpetual spin.

Last March, Bravo announced that The Real Housewives of New York City was going to be completely retooled after its dismal thirteenth season, which finished airing its run last August. It was the first season in the expansive franchise’s entire 16-year history that had its reunion episodes canceled, and for loyal fans of the show, it wasn’t hard to see why.

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RHONY Season 13 was an unbearable mess, a trainwreck that crashed so hard it ripped open the space-time continuum. Whether it was its longtime cast members’ prickly reception to Eboni K. Williams, the show’s first Black housewife, a Shabbat dinner that devolved into a manic frenzy of screaming and arguing, or disagreements about the historical impact of a woman becoming Vice President, the franchise was veering off the rails week after week—and Ramona Singer was behind the wheel at every treacherous curve.

But with the announcement of its retooling came another unexpected piece of news from Bravo: the network would be fashioning a spinoff tentatively titled “RHONY: Legacy,” where veteran cast members of the show would be plucked from whatever rug warehouse or vajazzling spa they’ve been at since leaving the franchise to make up a new cast of beloved Ghosts of Cutlery Calzones Past.

With her 13-year place on the main roster deservedly pulled out from under her after over a decade of bad behavior coming to a monstrous boiling point, Ramona Singer has been vying for a spot on RHONY: Legacy by using her Instagram presence to try to soften the image she created for herself. But in Singer’s case, that softening reads more like Facetune: a messy, obvious, last-ditch attempt to clean up glaring insecurity, which only ends up highlighting its presence even more.

Singer’s attempts at retconning the legacy she produced for herself have returned wild and mystifying results.

It’s not just because they’re almost assuredly futile, but because they’re also so laughably misguided that they have become comedy gold for anyone looking for a little reprieve. On her account, you’ll encounter mummified butterflies (“to symbolize transformation and renewal”), cross-contamination cooking tutorials, and a dose of Thanksgiving body horror that makes Crimes of the Future look like Sesame Street.

But perhaps the most unforgettable of all is this chilling fan testimonial—the newest of several that have popped up across her account lately—where Singer asks a fan to extoll upon all of her inspiring qualities as both a maven and a mother, directly into the camera lens. Now, I’m no body language expert, but I’m going to take a flailing stab in the dark here and say that these were coerced by the woman holding the damn camera.

The video begins with Singer introducing the woman next to her, who can barely make it through saying “Hi, I’m Crystal,” without her voice shaking. “Okay, sure, she’s nervous,” you might think. This civilian has been roped into a wicked plot that she wanted no part of when she simply just wanted to say hello to a celebrity she’s seen on television a few times, and now she’s being recorded and just trying to go along with it.

“She inspires me…every day…to be so strong,” Crystal continues, now frantically looking beyond the camera as if trying to make eye contact with bystanders in order to communicate a nonverbal plea for help. Her voice is fraught. She’s beginning to cry. It seems like Ramona Singer has a weapon to her back. Then, out of nowhere, Singer leans in to plant a creepy little kiss on her cheek.

It’s enough to make your blood run cold.

Crystal, turning to look Singer in the eye, chokes out a meek, “I love you, Ramona.” Singer then takes a pause to tell her (and the viewers watching at home!) that she’s so glad Crystal could manage to see all of her endearing, redeeming qualities through the craziness of television.

“She’s the realest person that you’ll ever meet,” Crystal continues. “The sweetest, most kind person. Gentle.” Yes, when I saw Ramona Singer repeatedly hurling micro and macroaggressions at her fellow cast member last year and refusing to acknowledge her wrongdoing, my first thought was, “God, this woman is gentle. I hope I get the chance to tell her this someday with the cold steel of a knife against my back.”

Meanwhile, we’re being told to believe she got all of this from just meeting Ramona two seconds before her hand flew up to take this video. Tell me this is not a script. Tell me Ramona’s gay assistant, who I’m sure identifies as Socially Liberal and Fiscally Conservative, did not find this woman on Craiglist looking for acting work.

Crystal, wherever you are, please come forward and share your experience of what it was like being trapped in the clutches of Ramona Singer. I am desperate to know your story. This is a safe space.

The saga of Crystal and Ramona (Cryona or Ramystal, take your pick) abruptly comes to an end with a punch to the gut. “I hope I can be half the mother that you a-” Crystal is quickly cutoff. “You will be, YOU WILL BE!” Ramona assures her. “You will be.” That is, you will be only half the mother she is. Someday. In the future. What a loving kindness from one Ms. Singer and her stinger.

How this doesn’t compute as absolutely bonkers behavior is well beyond me, but Ramona Singer has never been one to think about the big picture, only plotting little moves here and there. The rest of the world is playing chess while Singer is playing Candy Crush. She does what she wants when she wants to do it, and if there are any repercussions? Well, she’ll cross that bridge when she comes to it and she’ll make sure to berate you the whole way across.

Still, it’s astonishing that she can spend her days being so image-conscious as to concoct a cockamamie plan to make herself seem relatable, watchable, and beloved on her Instagram account one day and then party at Mar-a-Lago ten feet from Donald Trump the next. There is no way to make Ramona Singer understand that these things have a perpetual disconnect. Not because she’s not aware that they don’t correlate, but because she simply does not care.

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But that doesn’t surprise me. She doesn’t care. She doesn’t care that the website for her skincare product tried to phish me when I was researching this story. She doesn’t care that she’s posting videos of herself touching raw chicken and then proceeding to paw all over every appliance and kitchen tool she has. She doesn’t care that she’s overtly and irrefutably racist, classist, and anti-Semitic—with several instances of each occurring in just the last season of RHONY alone!

And if she doesn’t care, then all the more reason for the rest of us to pay even closer attention.

This is our chance to get a giggle out of every insane video where she’s forcing some random woman to sing her praises and every wackadoo “drinking tip” she posts, be it her teaching us how to chill wine or how to make “her signature drink” (hint: it’s a vodka soda). Ramona Singer has spent the last decade gleefully marginalizing everyone in her path with no remorse, and now we get to watch as she wades through her karmic comeuppance by spiraling on Instagram.

Relevancy is here today and could slip through her fingers tomorrow. All we have to do is sit back, relax, tune in, and hope the actors lauding her in her stories are getting paid with something other than dusty old bottles of Ramona Pinot Grigio.

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