Parents can discuss mental health with kids by listening to them, experts say

The waiting list for mental health services at Children’s Mercy has at least doubled since the pandemic, said Sarah Soden, a developmental pediatrician and the director of the Developmental and Behavioral Health Division at the children’s hospital.

As mental health professionals across clinics, hospitals and schools see more youths seeking services, parents, too, are likely encountering more conversations around mental health with their children, or noticing a change in their behavior.

The Star asked youth mental health experts from across the Kansas City metro area for advice on how parents can best start conversations around mental health and what they should watch for in response. Here is what they said.

‘You can never go wrong with listening’

“When we (parents) feel a little bit anxious, we might say too much, and that can either cause us to say things that actually ultimately cause our children to clam up because we get it wrong or we increase their anxiety with ours,” Soden said.

Instead, she suggests asking open-ended questions and remaining nonjudgmental as answers come.

Signs a child is in distress

▪ Withdrawal: When a child is not engaging with their peer group or they don’t seem to enjoy the activity that they used to love, it can be a sign they need help, Soden said.

▪ Anxiety and depression can present and manifest as anger and irritability.

▪ A sudden drop in grades can serve as a red flag.

▪ Some young people are really good at “putting on a happy face,” not wanting to worry others, Soden said. Make sure they feel comfortable and have a safe space to talk about any problems they might be having.

Anxiety manifests in different ways

Dr. Sara Gould, a clinical psychologist in the Developmental and Behavioral Health Division and director of the Eating Disorders Center at Children’s Mercy, said anxiety has been up across the board. That can manifest in how kids eat or act out. Sometimes they interpret the shaky feeling of anxiety as feeling unsafe. Adults can contribute to the sense of security they’re searching for by using predictability.

Gould said anxiety can manifest itself as increased requests for assurance. Maybe that means a child asking whether everything is OK or wanting to confirm a plan for the third time. Maybe they suddenly want to sleep with their parents again at night. Big emotions are another sign.

While she recommends reaching out to a mental health specialist if a child is showing signs of anxiety or depression, Gould also said online resources can help parents teach their children skills such as deep breathing and mindfulness.

How to ask kids how they’re doing

▪ Preschool age: Simply be with them. Don’t overexplain topics. Watch how they play, because their words aren’t dependable yet, Gould said.

▪ Elementary-age: Begin introducing them into harder concepts. Take cues from the questions they’re asking and how they’re asking them.

▪ Teens: Ask them directly. Sometimes they can feel a lot of belonging when addressed directly by adults.

‘Seek to understand’

Parents have a tendency to want their child to first understand where they’re coming from, said Cecil Wattree, founder and lead builder of the Kansas City Black Mental Health Initiative.

He reminded that children are the experts in their own lives, and they can get defensive, shut down or withdraw if an adult tries to play expert in something they’re experiencing.

“With great rapport comes higher expectations, and the way that you gain rapport is by listening to someone and leaving space for that to happen,” he said.

Allow children to speak, and meet them where they’re at.

“Listen to them, hear them. believe them,” Wattree said. “Start there.”