How Credible Is the Kink In 'Fifty Shades of Grey?' Our Sex Experts Weigh In.

Fifty Shades of Grey has everyone in America talking about bondage and sadomasochistic relationships. But how well do Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele reflect the realities of the BDSM lifestyle? To find out, we turned to Em and Lo, a.k.a. Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey, the sex experts behind the advice website EmandLo.com and the book 150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink. Here’s what they had to say about Jamie Dornan’s whipping technique, Christian and Anastasia’s heated contract negotiations, and whether practicing BDSM means being (in Christian’s infamous words) “fifty shades of f---ed up.”

Christian’s sex toys check out (except for the cable ties).
Whips, restraints, suspension rigs, spanking benches: These are all actual tools of the trade, and Christian Grey has the best custom-made BDSM equipment that money can buy. “If you have the money to spend, you could absolutely get a room outfitted that looked as gorgeous and high end as that,” says Em. Most practitioners of BDSM don’t own a dozen different high-end canes and floggers, but then again, “most people don’t have their own helicopter,” Em notes.  The one unrealistic piece of equipment in Christian’s arsenal is the cable ties that he buys at the hardware store. “Never use cable ties to restrain someone’s wrists or appendages — it’s super dangerous in terms of potential physical damage,” Lo warns.

Related: Let’s Talk About That Crazy ‘Fifty Shades’ Post-Credit Sequence!

Watch the scene where Christian show Anastasia his playroom:

Discussing limits is important.

The contract negotiation scene is a Hollywood reflection of a reality in BDSM: It’s important to talk about comfort zones and safe words beforehand. “The whole thing with kink is that the more you discuss in advance, the more you can let yourself go in the moment — like, you don’t want to be in the middle of a scene and be like, ‘Oh I forgot to ask, are you cool with bullwhips?’” says Em. The columnists also point out that a submissive contract like Christian’s would not be legally binding, even though Anastasia takes it quite seriously. “Contracts are for fun — it’s role playing,” says Lo. “You’re using it as part of the foreplay.”

Christian’s riding crop technique is pretty advanced, but his bondage skills need some work.
When Christian whips Anastasia with the riding crop, he’s very gentle on her stomach and rougher on her butt, which Em and Lo say is good form.  However, they were critical of the loose ropes that tied Anastasia to the bed. “There should be a finger’s width in there, but it’s actually safer to be more securely restrained, because if you wiggle around too much, you can fall off the bed or get into a more dangerous position,” says Em. As for that ceiling-suspension rig, Em and Lo say it’s perfectly safe as long as it’s used for limited amounts of time and the cuffs are easy to remove.

The movie skips over aftercare.
In BDSM, “aftercare” refers to a dominant comforting and caring for a submissive (or vice versa) after an intense sexual experience. “It’s the time when you remind your partner that even though you just tied them up and called them names and hit them, you love them and you care for them and you think of them as an equal person,” says Em. “It’s a way to bring the other person down emotionally, mentally, physically.” Fifty Shades offers a quick glimpse of aftercare when Christian gives Anastasia a bath and carries her to her bed, but for the most part, he neglects this crucial step.

Christian’s rare moment of aftercare

S&M is supposed to be fun for both the submissive and the dominant.
Em and Lo praise the film for showing Anastasia’s enjoyment of her kinky encounters, rather than the shame and anger she experiences in the novel. “If both people aren’t enjoying it, then they’re doing it wrong,” says Lo. That said, Anastasia is scared that Christian will hurt her, whereas in an actual BDSM relationship, the submissive exercises control by setting boundaries and using safe words. (Fans will recall that Christian actually does suggest common safe words — “yellow” for slow down and “red” for stop — but that Anastasia never uses them.)

People who like to dominate in the bedroom aren’t all “fifty shades of f---ed up.”
Like many sex experts, Em and Lo are frustrated by the notion in Fifty Shades of Grey that kinky people like Christian are working through severe childhood trauma. “The majority of people who are into kink just like to spice up their sex life. They like a little more drama. It’s more likely that they were once theater geeks in high school than that they were abused,” says Lo. Christian’s intimacy issues may be tied to his terrible mother, but they don’t typify the BDSM community. On the other hand, there really are some people who need kink in order to have satisfying sex. “We hear all the time from people who are like, ‘I married someone who’s vanilla, and I’m kinky, and it’s ruining our marriage,’ or ‘I really need kink in the bedroom. At what point should I tell someone I’m dating that this is a deal breaker for me?’” says Em. “It’s a preference, but for some people, it’s not something they can turn on or off.”

Watch the Fifty Shades trailer: