‘A mother flirts with my husband at the school gates – I feel jealous and embarrassed’

Dear A&E,

A school mother flirts with my husband - and it makes me feel uncomfortable. My husband laughs it off to me but seems to go along with it when she smiles and chats at the school gates. I’m sure the other parents have noticed it too and I don’t want to become the talk of the school gates. She’s single which makes it worse. I feel jealous and embarrassed.

– Uncomfortable

Dear Uncomfortable,

By the time you even get to the highly triggering place that is the school gates you have been in your relationship for more than a few years; you have been through the sleepless nights and the parenting anxiety; you are past the honeymoon period and well into the toenail period and your reserves and resources are probably considerably depleted. Your relationship may be – to a greater or lesser extent – on autopilot. And while the boring everyday is comforting and healthy, you may not have the energy to give your marriage the oxygen required to make it blaze. When you are in survival mode and it is easy to see threat wherever you turn.

Firstly, it sounds as though you are worried about other peoples’ perception around what is occurring. If you start worrying about school gate judgement, then the potential for panic is bottomless: how you look…the state of your car… the state of your kitchen… the holidays you take… your child’s haircut. You do you, Uncomfortable, and leave the other parents to worry about their stuff. The other way, madness lies. Also, this other mother is smiling and chatting. Not pouting and propositioning. It would be weirder if she didn’t smile and chat. We are all oppressively perky at drop off and pick up.

Single mothers can have a slightly harder time with the school bonding thing. There is an old-fashioned tendency to write them off as either tragic or predatory when, in the vast majority of cases, they are smiling and chatting to try to form relationships that will lead to playdates and well-rounded friendships for their children. 2.2 families tend to pull up the drawbridge at weekends or hang out with other families in possession of a similar dynamic so, for the single parents, the school gates are the only opportunity to establish common ground.

The wisest and kindest thing you could do would be take her out for a cup of coffee and become the touchpoint in your family. Make friends with her. It is highly unlikely that she is after your husband. Trying to pull a married father at your child’s school, where the stakes are incredibly high, would be idiotic. Yes, it happens, but seeking out that kind of chaos is unusual.

But your main project is not to neutralise her, it is to look at your own relationship. It sounds as though you are jealous, not because you fear her is going to leap into bed with her but because you are in attention deficit and you want him to laugh at your jokes; see you with fresh eyes; sit up a bit and notice you again. You’re feeling under-powered so you are offering her your power. If you are feeling a little neglected, it can’t be nice to see your husband pleasantly diverted by another woman’s conversation. But if you feel paranoid every time he is pleasantly diverted? Well, that’s not going to do anything positive for your marriage.

Worrying and feeling awkward isn’t the same as working on your marriage. In fact it is more likely to poison than to protect. Carping, “I don’t like the way she flirts with you – why do you allow it?’ deflects from the issue and may make your husband feel monitored and accused. Instead, flirt with him yourself. Go out to dinner. When something funny happens in your day, make a mental note to share it with him. Get that attention flowing again. Make it clear that you love and desire him – not through jealousy but through proactive, positive reinforcement.

Your longer letter tells us that you are not actually worried about him having an affair, you are just worried about what people think and how this is making you feel. Well, if you live your life trying to please everyone, you will please no one – least of all yourself. In terms of your feelings…speculate in order to accumulate. Try a little love-bombing. This could be very good for your marriage, Uncomfortable. If we deal with our own dis-ease we can often end up in a much happier place.

More from The Midults: ‘My mother-in-law wants to gatecrash our holiday – how do I turn her down gently?’