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A message from George Santos after the House voted to expel him: Checkmate, haters!

Republican Rep. George Santos, the New York lawmaker who has taken political lying to levels heretofore unimagined, was expelled from the House of Representative following a Friday morning vote.

Santos has been indicted on more than 20 federal felony charges and is known for his wizard-like fabrication skills, having lied about where he went to high school, where he went to college, where he worked, his faith, his family and so much more.

To help the fabulist congressman transition to life post-Congress, I have put together the following speech that he’s welcome to use:

A letter from George Santos. Probably.

Hello. My name is probably George Santos. You might remember me from my starring roll in the 2012 Academy Award-winning film “Argo,” or from my years as an all-American midfielder on the championship-winning lacrosse teams at the Rhode Island Institute for Exceptional Fellows.

Congressman George Santos (R-NY) holds a press conference on the House Triangle outside of the United States Capitol on Thursday, Nov. 30, 2023, in Washington, DC.
Congressman George Santos (R-NY) holds a press conference on the House Triangle outside of the United States Capitol on Thursday, Nov. 30, 2023, in Washington, DC.

I stand before you today as the inventor of the microphone. (pause for applause)

I have just learned my House colleagues have voted to expel me. And to them I say – into these microphones that you all have me to thank for – I respect the decision and hope our nation can now move forward and focus on the fact that I am the legendary British graffiti artist Banksy and I am also completely innocent of all the scurrilous charges I face.

Why are you all staring at me?

As a 35-year-old elected official who just turned 27, I believe I represent the best of America and my native Narnia. The opinions of my colleagues in Congress can never change that fact.

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And speaking of my colleagues in Congress, there are a few things you should know about them. As sure as my doctoral thesis on the presence of quarks in dark matter was published in the Journal of High Energy Physics, there are no fewer than 13 serial killers in the ranks of the House Republican caucus.

It is a veritable rogue’s gallery of criminals, scalawags and ne’er-do-wells that, collectively, poses a far greater threat to our country than any minor fib or oopsie that I, a humble former professional wrestler, may or may not have uttered.

Did the so-called House Ethics Committee find what it labeled “overwhelming evidence” that I broke the law and “cannot be trusted”?

Rep. George Santos
Rep. George Santos

Sure, but who is going to believe a committee made up of no fewer than three practicing witches and a bear dressed in a man costume? Yes, I have proof to support those claims, and no, I will not show you that proof. That would violate the Constitution, which I swore an oath to and also co-wrote.

Members of that committee claim I spent campaign money on Botox and on something called OnlyFans. Who even knows what OnlyFans is?

Well, I actually know what it is, because I own it, a fact that proves I did not spend campaign money using the site. Checkmate, haters!

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Look, I think we can all agree I have been bullied mercilessly for the crime of trying to effectively represent my constituents, and because I am the walrus.

My hope is that now that I have been expelled, I can focus more on my budding career as a reality television show character. Or as I like to call it: Being a modern-day Republican and past winner of the Nobel Peace Prize.

All hail Xenu!

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: House expels lying Santos from Congress. Here's how he should respond