Hello, followers of Donald Trump and darkness.
As you’re surely aware, Republican Rep. Madison Cawthorn on Thursday brought up our latest addition to the MAGA Universe: “Dark MAGA.” This came a bit ahead of our previously scheduled formal release date, but talk of Dark MAGA has been swirling about in online MAGA circles for a bit, so what the heck. If there’s one thing America needs right now, it’s a little darkness, am I right?
In that post he saluted a number of “America First Patriots” who supported him, including President Donald J. Trump and thought leaders like Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, Tucker Carlson, Rep. Matt Gaetz and Sen. Rand Paul. Cawthorn wrote: “I am on a mission now to expose those who say and promise one thing yet legislate and work towards another, self-profiteering, globalist goal.
The time for gentile politics as usual has come to an end. It’s time for the rise of the new right, it’s time for Dark MAGA to truly take command.”
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I don’t know if “gentile” was a typo or a random pinch of antisemitism to go along with “globalist.” But who cares? This is Dark MAGA, people! CAN YOU FEEL THE DARKNESS?
I’m truly excited to see people climb aboard the Dark MAGA train. It’s like Classic MAGA, only darker, but not “dark” in a satanic way, because only libs are satanic. Dark MAGA is dark in a very cool, patriotic way. (We briefly toyed with calling it Rad MAGA, but that didn’t go over well in focus groups of angry white men ages 50 to 100.)
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Also, rest assured that Dark MAGA is NOT WOKE. We tried out White MAGA, but that was ruled “too synonymic” by the branding agency we fired for using complicated, liberal-sounding words.
I can already hear you asking: “What amazingly patriotic ideals does Dark MAGA embrace and how will it help unify the Republican Party?”
I’ll let Cawthorn speak to that by quoting the end of his unifying Instagram post: “We have an enemy to defeat, but we will never be able to defeat them until we defeat the cowardly and weak members of our own party. Their days are numbered. We are coming.”
HECK YEAH! DARK MAGA!!
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So, basically, Dark MAGA is like Classic MAGA in that anyone in the Republican Party who fails the MAGA Purity Test is considered an enemy of “real Americans.” But – and here’s the key difference – Dark MAGA followers’ hatred toward people in their own party is several orders of magnitude darker than regular MAGA followers.
What exactly does darker hatred look like? I don’t know, ask Darth Vader. You have a lot of questions. Are you sure you’re not a lib?
Anyway, as you know, hats are the key to all MAGA Inc. initiatives. As we say around here, “If you can’t put it on a hat and make money to pay the boss’ legal fees from the multiple lawsuits and state and federal investigations he’s facing, what’s the point?”
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So let me tell you about the Dark MAGA hats. They’re black. Heavy metal black. And the black hats feature “Dark MAGA” written in black letters, but it’s all so black you can’t even see it. Basically, it looks like a totally black hat with nothing written on it, because that captures the DARK attitude of Dark MAGA. (Feel the Darkness!)
The hats are shipped in an all-black box, and when you open the box (after paying $29.99 plus shipping and handling, nonrefundable) all you see is darkness. And there’s no actual hat inside. Because that is the ultimate in dark.
When you join Madison Cawthorn and other America First Patriots wearing Dark MAGA hats, none of you will actually be wearing hats, because they don’t exist. SO DARK!
People will know you’re Dark MAGA because you will proclaim it loudly and demand that they admire your amazingly dark, made-in-America (not guaranteed) Dark MAGA hat. Those who say they can’t see the hat fail the MAGA Purity test and, as Cawthorn wrote, are “an enemy to defeat.”
That’s the power of Dark MAGA. It draws out unbelievers and raises up true winners like recent election loser (winner) Cawthorn.
Clearly, Dark MAGA is ready to take command. To get started, all we’ll need is a credit card number for the $29.99 charge, and the title to your soul.
FEEL THE DARKNESS!
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Dark MAGA, Madison Cawthorn and a new way for Trump to make money