We begin this week’s episode of The Kardashians by learning that we’ve all been duped. What we saw in last week’s surprisingly dark premiere was actually filmed at the end of Season 2’s shoot, as Khloé wasn’t yet ready to discuss Tristan Thompson’s latest betrayal. So now we’re jumping back to February, just as Kylie’s given birth to her son and Kendall and Kim are headed off to Milan Fashion Week.
Before heading off to Italy in Kim’s Earth-destroying private jet, Kendall takes her most put-upon sister, Khloé, to get her brain scanned in an effort to diagnose the obvious depression Tristan has presumably put her in. Meanwhile, Kourtney plans for her heavily mocked and notably ugly Dolce and Gabbana-sponsored wedding to Travis Barker and the two make out on a bed for several minutes.
And that’s really about it. Let’s hope and pray that this was just a filler episode leading to more exciting plot points and isn’t indicative of the rest of the season.
Kyndall: I feel like I spent most of our last recap ragging on the Kardashians for—as far as we can tell—consistently forgoing therapy in the midst of a crisis. And this week’s episode proved the extent to which this family will not seek out a licensed psychiatrist when Kendall advises Khloé to get a brain scan so she can visualize her trauma. How is this supposed to help Khloé exactly??
Coleman: And all because Khloé first took a home quiz online that told her she was not resilient because she couldn’t remember a sequence of six numbers without having a breakdown. This episode was falling so flat for me until Khloé, Kendall, and Kendall’s untrained doberman peeled into a strip mall parking lot and they cut to Khloé saying in a confessional, “Today is the day I get my brain scan!” Who are these people?
Kyndall: LOL. This show is just about how weird rich people are at this point. Speaking of which, I was slightly alarmed at how Kendall was selling this very grim brain scan to Khloé like she was getting her palm read or something. What’s so “cool” about seeing how fucked up your brain is from men hurting you over and over and being scrutinized on the internet?
Coleman: One of this family’s favorite things is having external forces that they pay money to—again, who are not licensed therapists—confirm that they’ve suffered while the cameras are rolling. I haven’t heard the word “trauma” that many times in a row since the Jamie Lee Curtis supercut.
But I did love Khloé walking back out to her car and shouting, “I’m resilient! I’m powerful! I’m strong! I have head trauma!” after reminding us she went through a windshield in a car accident at 18. I will definitely be cutting that clip to use as a Twitter reaction during depressive episodes.
Kyndall: Khloé made the best out of a deeply awkward and unhelpful scenario. In general, I’m over Kendall’s bland health journey and her “newfound” interest in taking care of herself. Am I really supposed to believe that she wasn’t previously taking care of her body as a lifelong millionaire with the best healthcare in the country?
Also, the only hypochondriac I want to see on my television screen is Shannon Beador from The Real Housewives of Orange County. If you don’t have a funny Eastern medicine doctor who stabs your back with needles, I don’t want to see it!
Coleman: Agreed, and Kendall couldn’t possibly give Nine Lemons In A Bowl Beador. I’m much more interested in Kendall’s storyline about having to cover up her newly dyed red hair, which is really what I come to these women for. The first two episodes have largely been bummers. So by the time we shifted to Kendall dressed like the Unabomber while boarding Kim’s private jet to guard her precious hair reveal from paparazzi, I was ready to start hooting and hollering. Finally, some glamor! Some silliness!
Kyndall: My favorite part of this journey to Milan was hearing Kim say “Prada you” to Kendall over the phone and then explain to the camera that it’s a thing people say on the internet. (I have never seen this!) I was also hoping that we would get round two of Pete Davidson surprising Kim with some Dibs on her flight, but no! We do, however, hear about him briefly during an ill-fated conversation between Kim and Khloé about trust issues.
Coleman: Yes, where Khloé was dressed in her best Irma Vep catsuit. That scene was also where we got another small Khloé shocker, which is that Tristan proposed to her the year before, in the interim between his first cheating scandal and his latest one. She declined, realizing her lack of enthusiasm to tell her family was a red flag that they shouldn’t be married, to which Kim responded, “Gosh, if someone proposed I’d just have to say yes!” Like, we know. That’s why you’ve been married three times.
But I’m hearing too much about Pete; I want to see the 6-foot-9, three-legged charmer myself. In the flesh! I’m starting to become nervous that, post-breakup, Kim mandated he be cut from the show. Maybe they’re just easing into his eventual on-camera introduction, but this whole season so far seems to be dragging its feet. I briefly woke up when Kris mentioned the Blac Chyna lawsuit, only for them to cut to the sleepiest conversation between Kris and Kylie about baby names. Are these women in a rut, Kyndall?
Kyndall: I definitely think so. None of them are working to entertain us like they used to. We used to have Khloé and Kourtney acting goofy and borderline bullying Kim. There were elaborate pranks. There was Scott Disick, who still hasn’t made an appearance yet. I think they’ve taken this differentiation between “reality show” and “docuseries” too seriously. And now we have to rely on the most bizarre quotes and weird medical appointments to get us through, which, sure, can be enjoyable at times. But we need more kookiness!
Coleman: Yes! This is a family that made their name synonymous with “hijinks.” But somehow, more money has made them less fun. Kim should still be throwing phones over balconies at ski chalets; she can replace them in seconds now.
I do think that we may finally be headed for some fun next week, though, when we head to Milan for Fashion Week and watch Kris dose up on edibles to alleviate her hip pain. I’m ready to see Kim stomping through Italy in that olive green leather number she was trying on, looking like the damn Mucinex monster.
Kyndall: I do unfortunately enjoy an injured Kris Jenner, whether it’s when she broke her toe when her daughters pushed her into a pool on Keeping Up or her famous swollen lip. So I’m excited to see how that goes, knowing she’s presently alive and well.
This week seemed to be one of those awkward transition episodes you see on Real Housewives before a big event. Hopefully next week won’t be so sleep-inducing and Kendall isn’t dragging anyone to a neurologist. But let’s get into our superlatives, shall we?
Most Body-Negative Moment: This week’s honor goes to the world’s worst heath guru, Kendall Jenner. Early in the episode, Kim tells Khloé that Kendall and Kylie are worried about how skinny she is, which is maybe a first in this franchise, where women toss around the term “anorexic” as a compliment. In the next scene, however, Kendall greets Khloé by squealing “You’re SOOO skinny!” to which Khloé responds gleefully, “YOU’RE so skinny!” We love performative concern about possible eating disorders!
Most Pre-Rehearsed Moment for the Cameras: Who could be surprised that this esteemed prize goes to one Kourtney Kardashian, who gathered her assistant and stylist on the plush carpet of her bedroom to mood-board wedding dress ideas. Of course, talk of her Virgin Mary-inspired gown will eventually lead to her contributing to the uncanceling of Dolce & Gabbana. But first, she had to create a safe space for her lackeys to tell the cameras that all of her and Travis’ PDA is toooootally real!
Strongest Sister of the Week: Our most prestigious award goes to Kendall Jenner, who managed to not only give us a hint of vapid silliness with her hair dye drama, but was also the one responsible for dragging Khloé to her brain scan. She was showing up, she was doing the work, she was maneuvering. This is the kind of fire we want to see. The kind we don’t is Pyro, a dog who should not be barking and running around a doctor’s office.