Her young neighbor taught her a lesson about them. It’s time for all to be empathetic

Every now and then, my father-in-law, Herb, liked to remind us that when he was a kid, they didn’t have allergies.

“We couldn’t afford ‘em,” he’d say, with his Bronx accent.

I recently met a neighbor, a perspicacious child, whose pronouns are they and them. I thought of Herb. He would have a reaction, intended to be humorous, to this information. But it would have been outdated and unwelcome to this earnest young person.

We’ve all had uncomfortable reactions to what we’ve thought of as not “normal.” It’s time to broaden our vocabulary and allow ourselves to learn.

Herb’s “normal” was disrupted at some point in the 1950s when his newborn son could barely breathe in the Texas panhandle dust. The kid’s seasonal allergies snowballed with subsequent climates and moves. Herb accepted at some point he was going to have to afford allergies so his little boy could experience easy breathing.

The result of ignoring someone’s physical condition can range from serious to deadly. A virus, the mumps, measles, ear infections and other childhood conditions are taken seriously.

But physical health is just one aspect of the path to overall health. We must also consider emotional, social and mental health.

Having a child who feels internal messages about gender differences can leave parents, siblings and others struggling to respond, support, help or get answers to questions.

Referring to people I’ve met as “they” and “them” felt odd at first. When first introduced, I make a mental note of sorts when someone makes it clear how they want to be addressed. I apologize when I slip up. Even so, it took me a long time before it came naturally.

And please, let’s stop talking about how ungrammatical it sounds to use a plural pronoun when speaking about one person. We know, already.

I recently contacted a pediatrician friend to ask questions about how this is handled in her Kansas office. I was amazed at how many references she made.

Sometimes a patient talks to her privately, and sometimes their family is present. She mentioned that in just about every case, the family wants to be supportive, and the main outcome desired is that everyone wants the child to be free to be who they are.

This is a good challenge for all to try: to be empathetic when we don’t totally understand why. Do it just because it validates another person.

If you take anything from this, try to imagine how difficult it must be to explain to everyone you have known for years that you identify yourself differently than you have until now, and you prefer that others refer to you in the same way.

Add into the mix that the conservatives in the Kansas legislature roll out of bed every morning thinking up new ways to outlaw or control the personal lives of Kansans they think are up to something illegal, or worse, “abnormal.”

Their latest iteration, a so-called bill of women’s rights, is their latest coup. As a self-identifying cisgender woman, I object to this group, mostly men, defining my rights.

Please look it up, and contact your representatives if you have questions. These elected politicians (not scientists) insist their “research” is based on facts. I call on them to bring this to a referendum vote so the citizens of Kansas can once again clearly show our respect for actual human rights.

Contact Ellen (she, her) at murphysister04@gmail.com