Read *This* Before You Text That Hinge Hottie You Went Out With Last Week
"Hearst Magazines and Yahoo may earn commission or revenue on some items through these links."
Let’s face it, shooting your shot via text is risky. Whether you're contacting an ex, a casual hookup, or that cutie you met at a bar last week, you’re opening yourself up to possibly getting a "Wait, who is this?" reply, or worse, getting ghosted by somebody who’s not feeling it.
Unlike face-to-face interactions where people have to answer when you ask them to hang out (because you're, ya know, staring at them), having screens between you might make them think they have a pass to be a little less delicate—or speedy—in response.
If you’ve ever felt the icy sting of a text that reads nothing more than "k," you know what I’m talking about. "Rejection and humiliation are such vulnerable feelings," says Maryanne Comaroto, PhD, a psychologist and the founder of Queen Of The Jungle, a foundation dedicated to healing women's trauma. It takes a lot of guts to be the pursuer!
But, on the flip side, sending that text just might be the start of something amazing (or at the very least, fun)—if the person you’re messaging is into you, too. And you'll never know unless you hit send.
In fact, these texts and their responses, despite their cringeworthy potential, are major indicators pointing to whether this person even deserves your attention in the first place, Comaroto adds.
The tricky part is knowing how and when to text that person who's on your mind. But don't worry, these expert questions are here to guide you—even before you start typing.
1. Are you texting a new crush or love interest "just because"?
Who doesn’t want to receive a text that says: "This [fill in the blank] made me think of you." Even if you’re not in a full-blown relationship, it’s just a nice text to send and a nice text to receive—it’ll make the person in your life feel special.
"If you’re feeling connected to someone, having that reinforced by messages that let you know that they’re thinking of you can be exciting and reassuring," says Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Take Root Therapy. "It has the potential to fortify your bond and open up the lines of communication."
2. Have you already texted them today?
If so, put down your phone.
Unless the two of you text back and forth a lot and regularly spam each other with funny tweets or memes you come across during the day, there’s no reason to send text after text. Especially if this someone you don't know super well.
Ann Rosen Spector, PhD, a psychologist in Philadelphia, is okay with a double text on occasion, but if you’ve already sent numerous texts that have gone unanswered, they're probably busy and haven't seen them. Or, they have seen them and haven't had a chance to answer yet—or they have no intention of answering you at all. Either way, this is the perfect opportunity to take a hint and back off a little, says Spector.
It's not that you can never send multiple messages to this person, but a long string of texts can feel overwhelming, especially if you’re just getting to know each other, says Spector. Instead, stick to one message at a time and ease them into your texting habits the way you’d ease into any other part of the relationship.
If you have a really strong urge to text someone a hilarious meme you just scrolled past, text it to your mom.
3. Do you want to ask them out?
All together now: Text them! Text them! Text them!
How you ask them out is totally up to you, says Beverly Palmer, PhD, clinical psychologist, professor emeritus at California State University, Dominguez Hills, and author of Love Demystified.
But if making a move digitally is more your speed, tell them you’ve been interested in spending one-on-one time with them and were wondering when they had some free time to grab a drink. When they say yes (because who wouldn’t want to go out with you?), propose a time and place and lock it in.
If, on the off-chance they're not interested, it's okay to let it sting for a bit... then, on to the next. Whether you want to reply to that rejection text or not is up to you, but if it would allow you to feel a sense of integrity, then it might be a good idea, Harouni Lurie says. A simple "thank you for letting me know" would do the trick.
Think about it like this: Since ghosting is such a huge trend in the dating world right now, it's actually a sign of respect that they're letting you down directly, she says. That said, if they're being mean, you don't need to respond at all.
4. Have you recently gone out on a date with them?
Yes? Then definitely send the text. The best way in is to bring up something you talked about during your date, says Spector. Say they mentioned a movie they're super into and you catch a trailer for the director’s next film—send them something like: Hey, I just saw the trailer for [director’s name here]’s new movie. I can see why you’re into her stuff. If you’re free, want to watch it with me next Thursday?
Or, if nothing really stood out (are you sure you want to go on a second date?), send a thank you for a nice time and suggest something the two of you can do in the future.
"Should I text them?" isn't the only question you'll ask when it comes to dating. All the answers to your burning q's, here:
5. Is there a major event going on in their life?
Reaching out to them to wish them luck on a big presentation they mentioned is a nice thing to do, and they'll probably appreciate it. Even if you’ve only gone on a few dates, don’t hesitate to send them a quick note, says Palmer. It lets them know you’re thinking of them and keeps you fresh in their mind.
6. Did they text you first?
Then responding is totally up to you.
If you recently went on a date with them and aren't sure about texting them back, you’re probably on the fence about how you feel. So take some time and think about your response. Then, if you’re willing to give it another go, respond—but if you’re thinking this won't go all that far, tell them you’re not interested.
Now, if their text gave you butterflies a la seventh grade, respond right back, baby.
Pro tip: They texted you, so you already know they're interested. From this point on, don’t overthink things. You don't need to wait 10 minutes, or 20, or 22 before responding to seem less eager. Bring up things that are happening in your life—recent music you’ve just discovered or a cool speakeasy bar you've been wanting to check out—and let the conversation flow.
7. Are you caught up in a fantasy?
Maybe your mind's wandering and you're suddenly envisioning traveling the world with this person, having breakfast in bed—the whole shebang. That's sweet and all, but not necessarily a reason to text someone. This can sometimes happen when you want someone to be your distraction from reality, says Comaroto.
So, check in with yourself. Are you daydreaming because you're smitten or because you're trying to bury other feelings with thoughts of this person? If it's the latter, Comaroto says to tackle whatever it is you're dealing with head on (which, yes, will be uncomfortable). But that's how growth happens!
8. Do you need to vent?
Had a particularly bad day at work, and wondering whether it's cool to complain to that person you're seeing? "There’s no harm in wanting to get something off your chest," says Palmer. If you’re upset about something, the move is to always express how you’re feeling—once you've had a chance to organize your thoughts. But don’t expect them to know exactly how to reply, she adds.
This is a great opportunity to gauge where you stand with someone, says Palmer. Their response will tell you everything you need to know about how seriously they take your feelings. If they answer, take what you’ve written to heart, and want to work things out, great.
But if they disregard what you’re saying or straight-up ignore you, then you probably don’t need to spend any more time texting them at all.
9. Have they ghosted you in the past?
I'd say to ghost them right back, but that’s just me being petty.
Actual advice from an expert: Feel it out for yourself, says Spector. If their text is an explanation detailing why they've been MIA and you feel like hearing them out, you do you and write back. But if you’re fed up and don’t really care about where they've been, feel free to tell them you’re not feeling it anymore.
If they don't offer an explanation for their radio silence and hit you with a "Hey, it’s been a while. What have you been up to?" ask them where they've been. From there, decide if continuing the conversation is worth your time. Yours is precious, and there's no reason to waste it on a crappy texter (or worse, a crappy person).
10. Are you feeling lonely or going through a breakup with someone else?
People will often throw caution to the wind if they're lonely, says Comaroto. There's nothing wrong with feeling alone, but unless you're upfront in your text about what you want (or don't want) from this person, you risk leading them on if you're not looking for anything more than a late-night cuddle.
Consider this: When you're not feeling so lonely anymore, will you still want that person around? If the answer is no, maybe rethink hitting send, Comaroto suggests.
11. Are you drunk/under the influence of drugs or alcohol?
Alcohol can certainly warp your ideas and feelings a little bit. "Oftentimes when people are inebriated or they're under the influence of a substance, they may make decisions that they would not make otherwise," says Lurie. (Let's be honest, this is usually when you feel compelled to text an ex or get a bit bold with a new love interest.)
However, if you still think it's a good idea to send the text once you're sober, go for it, she says. That way, you have the wherewithal to make sure it's the best thing for you. "It just becomes so much more difficult to really trust your gut and to know what your intentions are when you're not able to think as clearly as you would when you're sober," she adds.
12. Are they an ex?
Well, that changes things.
Being that you and this person are no longer together, texting is probably best reserved for moments when you need something specific and have a clear goal for reaching out to them, Palmer says. Say you need to talk to them about the dog you shared or you need the number for a plumber who once helped you in a jam. In that case, go ahead and text them. Just make it a direct message and resist including too many pleasantries.
But even if you’re both still single and there’s no risk of upsetting their new partner or yours, take a moment, appreciate the song that reminded you of them for a minute, and move on without hitting them up about it.
You broke up because you weren’t a good fit, so allow them the time they need to focus on their own life and develop new relationships. (And you do the same.) Plus, if you haven’t maintained a friendly relationship in the past, there’s a chance they'll ignore your text, anyway, Palmer says.
13. Do you usually regret texting this person?
This is an especially good question to ask yourself if you're considering texting an ex or a not-so-healthy situationship. If you have a feeling you might wake up tomorrow and regret texting them, you should probably pass on it. Remember, you don't want to lead them on just because you want someone to talk to. If you're not genuinely interested in being around that person, probably skip the text, Comaroto says. And if you're still not sure, give yourself 24 hours to think it over and revisit it.
13. What are your relationship goals?
Again, if you're texting an ex (or maybe someone who isn't quite committing the way you'd like them to), ask yourself this: Why am I doing what I'm doing? Will I be okay with this choice today, and will I still be tomorrow?
If you're not so sure, Comaroto says to take a beat and consider your relationship goals. Write down what it is you want. And look, this doesn't have to be a projection of the long-term with the wedding bells and 2.5 kids. But if this person isn't going to be the best match for you, you might be better off cutting your losses.
15. Is this a more established relationship?
By the time you become official, says Palmer, you’ll have some sense of your S.O.’s texting preferences and they’ll have a pretty good idea of yours. So if you’d normally send them a few texts throughout the day, keep it going.
"The way couples communicate is specific to the people in the relationship, and every relationship is slightly different," says Palmer. Some people might want to receive both good morning and good night texts even on days they see each other, and others might find all the texting overbearing. The safest bet is to do what feels right to you while considering what your partner would like to receive, too.
And if you’re not sure, ask, says Palmer. Yeah, the question might sound weird, but relationships get weird sometimes. Try: Hey, I sent you a few texts today and you were slow to respond. Were they distracting to you at work? Would you prefer if I kept my texts to the essentials? Or: Hey, I’d love to hear from you a little more during the day, just so I know I’m on your mind.
16. Have you recently fought?
Even if you’ve been in a relationship for a while, your best bet is to wait until the waters between you two have calmed. That way, you’ll both be more receptive to the other’s explanation for why each of you were hurt.
Then there’s the matter of apologizing or addressing the argument from a distance. In these cases, a face-to-face conversation is your best bet because you have the added bonuses of body language to get your point across (not to mention, get a better read on their reaction), says Spector.
But if you’re worried about the discussion escalating into another argument, Spector says texting is okay. Just choose your words carefully. That's the beauty of a text... you can take your time to curate the perfect message.
Her post-argument text formula? First, explain what made you upset, and then take ownership for your part in the argument, she says. Try something like this: About that fight yesterday… I had a tough time with the joke you made. I didn’t think it was funny and it hurt my feelings. I’m sorry, though, for raising my voice.
17. Do you want to know if this relationship is going any further?
There’s nothing wrong with telling someone how you feel over text and expressing that you see the connection developing into something more, like an exclusive relationship, Palmer says. If the person you're feeling feels the same way, they'll text you back and say so.
However, once you say, "I’m really into you," the ball will be in their court. That means being prepared to hear something you won't like.
When should I text them?
The truth: This question is hard to answer because it really depends on your circumstances. Most people work in the morning and afternoon, so they might be more available to text back at nighttime. But on the other hand, it feels nice to check your phone during a work break and see that someone's thinking of you.
Also, consider your intentions—remember that if you're just starting to see someone, a text arriving on their phone at 10 p.m. or later *could* be considered a booty call. (If that's your goal, right on! But if you're looking for something more serious, it could be misconstrued by the other party.)
However, if the late night is the one time of day when you can relax and catch up on texts, just be specific. Harouni Lurie says that you can say something like: Hey, I know that it's late, I hope I'm not waking you, but I was wondering what you were doing for lunch tomorrow?
And as far as texting on a weekday versus the weekend, consider how new the relationship is and how much it's progressed, Harouni Lurie says. When you're just starting to see someone, you both might generally text less frequently, and most of your communication might serve a specific purpose. In that case, they might text on the weekend to make plans, and just check in with you during the week, but it depends on the person. But once you two have been dating for a little while, you might be in daily contact with them, she says.
Should I text them first?
If you want to, go for it! "For relationships, there really are no hard and fast rules," Harouni Lurie says. "Why not? Why wouldn't you text first?" If there's something stopping you—like fear—reflect on why you feel that way, she says. If you're scared that the other person won't receive it well, that *might* not be the type of person you'd want to be in a relationship with anyway. (Their loss!)
Seriously, just think: What's the worst thing that could happen if you text? Either way, before you message them, "be honest with yourself about how you'd manage any feelings that come up," she says.
Then, as the relationship progresses, you'll want to be mindful that you're not the only one initiating conversations. (You'll want to make sure that the other person is putting in effort, too.) Ideally, as the relationship develops, you'll discuss how to communicate with your partner and what works best for both of you, whether it's texting throughout the day or talking on the phone each night.
Meet the experts: Maryanne Comaroto, PhD, is a psychologist and the founder of Queen Of The Jungle, a foundation dedicated to healing women's trauma. Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Take Root Therapy. Ann Rosen Spector, PhD, is a psychologist in Philadelphia. Beverly Palmer, PhD, is a clinical psychologist, professor emeritus at California State University, Dominguez Hills, and author of Love Demystified.
You Might Also Like
