Don’t ring the doorbell but do clear up after your dog – an everyday guide to modern etiquette

Have you noticed that nobody seems able to behave properly any more? The pandemic, along with modern technology, has caused some of us to forget how to interact with others completely. See, for example, rising incidents of air rage.

New York magazine has certainly noticed all this: the media outlet recently published a viral list of 140 rules of modern etiquette to help people navigate our brave new world. Unfortunately, a lot of the rules on the list were somewhat deranged and seemingly aimed at people who spend their days mingling with celebrities, attending “ironic birthday parties” and dropping in on gatherings where the hosts put out large bowls of cigarettes as party favours. In other words, not very useful for those of us who lead rather more mundane lives. So, you’ll be thrilled to know, I’ve helpfully put together my own list of rules for modern life that everybody should follow.

First, visitor etiquette. If you arrive at someone’s house, what’s the polite way to let them know you’re there? While it seems like a straightforward enough question, customs vary wildly according to generation. People who grew up without phones often (shock horror!) knock or ring the doorbell. Millennials, meanwhile, will text to let you know they’ve arrived. I’m not entirely sure what Gen Z does – presumably they make a TikTok of themselves arriving. The correct option is to text. I’m not just saying that because I’m an elderly millennial; I’m saying it because hearing someone knocking on your door is objectively terrifying. That’s how a lot of horror movies start.

Now for toilet paper orientation, another weirdly contentious issue. It should always hang over the top of the roll. If you are at someone’s house and they’ve made a terrible faux pas and hung it under the roll, then you are allowed to rearrange it for them. It’s only polite.

Travel. Having recently sat in a middle seat for several hours I think we all need to get on board with the fact that sitting in the middle means you deserve both armrests – there should be no debate about this. Also, if you watch something on your phone without headphones on you should be put on the no-fly list.

Obviously, I’ve got to mention masks. It seems to be an unpopular opinion these days but I reckon that if you’re in a crowded place such as a plane you should probably just wear one. Is it really that hard? Also, if you’re in a shop and the cashier is wearing a mask then you should put one on, too.

Names. If you meet someone with a non-white name (such as, for example, “Arwa”) do not ask them what it means. I know you’re trying to be polite but it’s othering and annoying. Do you ask people called Emily or Anna what their name means?

OK, moving swiftly on: parenting. Unless they’re harming the child don’t ever, ever judge anyone’s parenting. Believe me, your judgments will come back to haunt you. Pre-child I remember smugly looking down on parents who gave their babies pacifiers (dummies, if you’re reading this in the UK or Australia). As soon as I had a baby, however, I couldn’t get a dummy in her mouth fast enough: those things are magic. And don’t be snobbish about screen time. Screens are a parent’s best friend. Indeed, I think Miss Rachel should be nominated for the Nobel peace prize. (If you know, you know.)

I shouldn’t even have to put this next point on the list but, judging by the amount of dog poo on the streets near me, it seems it’s a necessity. Pick up after your dog! I am firmly against the death penalty and the prison state, BUT I think that if you litter or if you don’t pick up after your dog, no penalty is too high. Please do not @ me about this on Twitter: my mind is made up.

• Arwa Mahdawi is a Guardian columnist