Dave Barry: Heat vs. Panthers? A playoff guide for the casual South Florida sports fan

It’s an exciting time for South Florida sports fans. The Heat and the Panthers are both in the playoffs. I don’t mean they’re playing against each other; they’re in two completely different sports (more on this later).

This is the first time South Florida has had two teams in the playoffs simultaneously since whenever the last time it happened. So this is a chance for South Floridians to step up and show the rest of the nation what kind of sports fans we can be.

I’ll be blunt: We have a reputation for being terrible fans. People say we’re not as loyal as fans in places like Detroit, who love their teams no matter how much they suck (which, in the case of Detroit, is a lot). People say we South Floridians are bandwagon-jumpers who pay attention to our teams only when they’re winning. They say that even when we do go to games, we show up late and leave early and don’t actually watch the game because we’re in the VIP lounge drinking $27 mojitos and taking selfies with celebrity deejays.

These allegations are of course true. We South Floridians are not like the fans in Detroit. But that’s because — with all due respect to them — we have the sense not to live in Detroit. That means we have choices. On, say, a Sunday in December, we could go to a Dolphins game, but we could also go to the beach, or have an outdoor barbecue. Whereas for Detroit fans, attending an outdoor barbecue in December would mean instantaneous death. They have no choice but to watch the Lions.

Nevertheless we South Floridians could be better fans, and now is our chance to prove it. If you’d like to climb aboard the Heat and Panthers bandwagons, but you’re unsure about some of the technical details such as what specific sports are involved, don’t worry, because I have prepared the following Guide To The Playoffs For Casual South Florida Sports Fans:

THE SPORTS: The Miami Heat plays professional basketball, which is the sport in which tall men in shorts spend 48 minutes gesturing angrily that they have been fouled. The Florida Panthers play ice hockey, wherein bearded Canadians on skates repeatedly crash into each other in pursuit of the “puck,” a tiny and possibly mythological object that only Canadians can see.

WHERE THE TEAMS PLAY: The Heat play in downtown Miami in Yet Another Damn Cryptocurrency Company Arena, formerly known as AmericanAirlines Arena, or, as we old-time Miamians call it, Joe Robbie Stadium. The Panthers play somewhere in Broward. I don’t know specifically where because I live in Dade and thus have never been up there.

THE OPPONENTS: The Heat are playing the Boston Celtics, a team with a rich storied basketball tradition of committing fouls. The Panthers are playing a team of Canadians from the other side of the state, the Tampa Bay Gentlemen Clubs.

THE COACHES: The Heat head coach is Erik Spoelstra, an extremely serious individual who, since taking the reins of the team at age 14, has earned the respect of the league by maintaining the facial expression of a man who has a sea urchin lodged in his bowels. And that’s when he’s happy. The Panthers head coach is Andrew Brunette. All we know about him at this point is that he is Canadian and his name can be rearranged to spell “A Newer Nerd Butt.”

THE PLAYERS: Both the Heat and the Panthers will have players.

COURTSIDE CELEBRITY RAP ARTISTS: The Heat’s starting courtside celebrity rap artist is “DJ Khaled,” a large spherical individual whose function is to be seen on camera taking up space. I don’t know if the Panthers have a courtside celebrity rap artist, but presumably if they do, he or she is Canadian. Maybe Celine Dion.

HOW TO WATCH ON TV: The Heat games will be broadcast on either ABC or ESPN, or possibly ESPN2, Hulu, ESPNLite, Peacock, ESPNZero, HBO or Twitter. For security reasons the specific broadcast platform will not be revealed until after the games are over. The Panthers’ games will not be televised down here because, as noted earlier, non-Canadians cannot see the “puck.”

HOW TO LISTEN TO THE GAMES ON THE RADIO: You cannot be serious.

So there you have it, South Floridians: All the information you need to be an informed fan during the playoffs. Let’s show the rest of the nation that we can be real fans, OK? Let’s be the kind of fans who support our teams whether they win or lose. Unless of course they actually DO lose, or it’s a really nice day, in which case let’s go to the beach.