Yahoo Movies There’s A Right Way And A Wrong Way To Take A 'Break' In Your Relationship
Hearing the words "let’s take a break" come out of your partner’s mouth can be downright frightening. Like, what does it even mean to take a break anyway? (It certainly doesn't sound as fun as those Kit-Kat commercials would have you believe...)
It’s not quite a breakup, but it sure as heck can feel like one depending on the parameters and inciting incident for your break. Alas, sometimes a break is necessary, and despite how painful they can be, they’re not always the worst idea.
Why? Well, "separation can be very healing," says Ann Rosen Spector, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia. "When a situation is complicated, having distance to get clarity is important." One way to get that distance is a break, even if it might make you uncomfortable at first to be away from your S.O.
Remember, though: "Taking a break doesn’t mean it’s the end of a relationship," explains Janet Brito, PhD, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in Honolulu. "It’s just a designated amount of time where both people are consenting to limited communication." Basically, if the concept of a break is stressing you out, know that it doesn’t have to be overcomplicated, your relationship can remain exclusive and, most importantly, there’s an end date.
Ideally, this break is just that: a break. It won’t last forever. But if you want more information on breaks, how to handle one in the best way possible, what boundaries to set, and more, this relationship expert-informed guide will help you navigate uncharted territory in your relationship:
Wait, what exactly is a relationship break?
FYI: Taking a break is a temporary chance for people in a relationship to explore what not being together feels like, spend time on personal growth, and look at their relationship from a distance. "So many couples think a healthy relationship means being together all the time, but that’s not true," says Spector. Attaching yourself to another person—while it might work for some—can be the perfect setup for a toxic relationship down the road, especially if there are disagreements you can’t seem to let go of.
Breaks are for partners who care about each other, but can’t see eye-to-eye for some reason. They require you and your S.O. to take a significant amount of time to weigh how you feel being separated versus how you feel together. Then—and only then—can you determine which is better. Yes, it could lead to a full-on breakup or even divorce, but only if that's what you decide you want. You might also decide to get back together.
And although separation is much easier said than done, it’s essential to what Spector calls a "relationship renovation," or a chance to break unhealthy patterns. Breaks allow couples to see the partnership from a new perspective, acknowledge personal doubts and wrongdoings, determine changes that need to be made (like perhaps one person is putting in more effort than the other), and then decide if the relationship is worth continuing. In Spector’s experience, couples usually realize it is.
But remember: Relationship breaks are not one-size-fits-all (because that would just be too easy). The way you carve out time away from your partner totally depends on the kind of the relationship you’re in. Does one person depend on the other financially? Are there kids in the picture? Is this a long-distance relationship? The nitty-gritty makes all the difference and must be *seriously* considered beforehand or else the break might just turn into a breakup.
So, when should I take a break in a relationship?
"Breaks must be done with clear rules and for the right reasons," says Spector. A break is not the answer if you are just too afraid to end the relationship, definitely know you want to see other people, or are seeking to punish your partner for whatever reason. In those cases, you should be upfront with your partner about how you're feeling—it's likely you need a more permanent fix to your problem.
For example, if you want to take a break so you can admonish your partner for infidelity, you might want to think twice, says Jenni Skyler, PhD, an AASECT certified sex therapist, sexologist, and Director of The Intimacy Institute. "I think there’s a lot the couple needs to work through together at that time. It’s a hard period for the couple, but if you take a break at this point, you’re almost ensuring divorce or separation," she explains.
In short, you’re running away from your problems instead of addressing them head on. TL;DR, instead of seeking ways to be apart after cheating, couples should reconnect—whether that’s through couples therapy or talking through the relationship’s issues one-on-one, Skyler notes.
That said, a signal that a break might be helpful is when one person’s mental health is suffering, and they can’t differentiate whether it’s the relationship or themselves that’s the root cause of their psychological issues, says Skyler. For this person, a break would serve as sufficient time to focus on themselves, seek professional help, and figure out if they’re mentally healthy enough to remain in a relationship, she adds.
Breaks are also ideal for when a couple with children is moving toward a divorce or breakup, Skyler says. In this context, a break allows kids to adjust to what a "new normal" might look like during what Skyler calls a "trial separation." This kind of break, while possible to come back from, tends to be a stepping stone toward the end of a relationship, she explains.
Overall, however, if you're truly committed to your partner for the long haul and you're just having a hard time communicating as of late, a break could be what you two need to move forward. But you each must be willing to use the time apart to be honest with yourselves and really reflect on what you can do to make forever a possibility. This is going to require some planning.
I guess I need to set some ground rules for this break?
Taking a relationship break is an art, not an exact science, and there are guidelines:
1. Pick a date.
The time frame is often where therapist Hatty J. Lee, MS, LMFT sees couples go wrong. She doesn't recommend anything longer than four to six weeks. "From a clinical perspective, I imagine you're in crisis of the relationship," Lee says. "So, clinically, what we know is that you experience crisis for up to four to six weeks at the most, where you’ll either adapt to the crisis and figure something out, maybe cope with it in an unhealthy way, or you’ll develop the skills to move forward." The key is to be responsive, rather than reactive, Lee says.
2. Know that no break will look like another.
Both Lee and Spector have seen wildly different, yet successful, kinds of breaks. Maybe your guidelines include not seeing each other on the weekends because living separately is too expensive and that's enough to give your relationship the breather it needs. Or maybe your break calls for monthlong total radio silence. It’s up to you to determine what will work for you. But Spector does warn: "The more [conditions] you add, the more complicated breaks can become."
Wondering whether your relationship is make-or -break? Ask yourself these two questions:
3. Set boundaries—and stick to them.
Maybe you'll still see a therapist once a week. Maybe you won't see each other at all. Lee recommends little to no contact to avoid the opportunity for more failed expectations. In addition to this, Brito advises that you should stay away from each other's respective families and friends. (For example, you wouldn't want your partner showing up at your best friend's birthday party or stopping by your parents' house for dinner if you're trying to maintain some distance from them, says Brito.)
4. Decide if you're still exclusive.
This is a biggie. Will you date and sleep with other people during the break? If you want an expert opinion, Skyler advises couples to remain exclusive during the break period. "The second you have sex with somebody new, they're shiny and novel, and you might not be able to think accurately about the relationship you're taking a break from," she says. Whatever you decide, make sure you're on the same page here, or else you'll return to more drama than you left with, trust.
5. Tell the kids (or don't).
When it comes to children, things are a bit more complicated. While you might want to keep your relationship issues private, "kids observe everything," Brito says. To keep the peace in your home, she recommends conveying to the kids (in a way they'll understand, depending on their age) that "adults are going through adult things." No matter how you phrase this, it's best to share with the kiddos that they don't need to worry, even if it seems scary. "Tell them that they are safe, and that you are going to work through this," Brito says. Above all, the kids should maintain a sense of security in spite of the tumultuous happenings between parents, she advises.
6. Do activities that nurture you.
Lee tells her couples to try "engaging in activities that nurture you and reconnect you with the parts of yourself that you feel disconnected from." The key to a good break is to find what you've been missing. Maybe you sign up for that 7 a.m. yoga class that used to be an essential part of your weekly routine. Or try journaling to help you evaluate the things you love and the things you want to change about the relationship. Don't worry about being "productive," Skyler says—just focus on doing what you love.
7. Reconsider your expectations.
Make sure your expectations are valid and realistic, Lee says. Sometimes couples discover that the needs they've been expecting from their partner are actually needs that haven't been met from past relationships (think: in your childhood, from caregivers, etc.). Those needs aren't always appropriate for you to expect from your S.O., Lee says. You may have an easier time seeing this once you've stepped away from the fighting and drop your defenses.
8. Don't abandon your responsibilities.
If you and your partner's finances are intertwined, this can make going on a break a bit more challenging, but doable nonetheless. Negotiate beforehand with your partner about how you will each maintain your responsibilities to each other while on this break, Brito says. Will you still be paying the rent or mortgage? If you have a shared credit card, are you allowed to use it? If one of you stays with the kids while the other works, will the employed partner still be providing financially? Overall, Brito recommends maintaining all of your financial and childcare commitments to each other during this time, otherwise you risk making the break even more drama-filled than it might be already.
9. Evaluate why you need this break, one last time.
As mentioned, breaks should be treated with extreme care—and you should ultimately avoid them if you can help it, Skyler says. Check in with each other about whether or not a break is what you truly want, or if there are alternative means for resolving the issue in your relationship. "Ask yourself why you need this break in the first place, what this break is giving you more clarity about, and what you plan to do differently moving forward," Brito says. Overall, just be as confident as possible in your decision before you move forward with the break. If you have doubts, they might be there for a reason.
K, break’s over. Now what?
TBH, sometimes couples come back from breaks and one person hasn’t taken responsibility for their actions, or someone realizes they want to call it quits, Spector says. But typically, if you both commit to honest self-reflection during the break and compare how you felt during the separation to being together, your relationship could end up stronger. Thanks to what Spector calls "a step back from the relationship," partners will have had time to consider what they need from the relationship and what they need to do to make sure their partner is feeling fulfilled, too.
Of course, just because you’ve spent time apart doesn’t mean your issues will have disappeared. But, the separation will give you and your partner the chance to approach your relationship with fresh eyes, and if you're both on board for putting in the effort to fix what was broken, move forward.
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