The coldest weather in a decade is coming for two whole days, and Miami can’t deal

·3 min read

Dear Miami: We hate to break this to you because we know the idea is painful to contemplate.

Winter is coming. Like, now.

We are sorry to sound the alarm, because we know how you feel about putting on pants these days. But it’s about to get cold for TWO ENTIRE DAYS. And not in the typical Florida way, which involves 68 degree temperatures and people dressing like Leo DiCaprio in “The Revenant,” then passing out from heat stroke.

But this weekend, you may need Leo’s ensemble. Winter is bearing down on us with the velocity of a Brightline train. Forecasters are predicting lows in the mid-30s across South Florida this weekend. It’s going to feel like you just relocated to the ice planet Hoth, where admittedly the cost of living is significantly cheaper than it is in Miami, and at least there nobody is bothering you to invest in Bitcoin.

We know the whole point of living in Miami, aside from the off chance that climate change will provide you with waterfront property, is that you never have to be cold. But this weekend, you’re going to need more than that Heat Culture shirt to keep you warm.

Here’s how to prepare.

Temporarily suspend all mocking of friends and family in the Northeast

Table all social media beach posts. You’re the one who’s going to look like an idiot now.

Run out to Publix and buy all the firewood

This is your moment, fireplace owners, the one you have suffered through so many long, hot springs/summers/falls to experience. Get to blazing and refuse to stop once milder temperatures return. Remember, if you buy too much wood, you can always turn down the air and pretend it’s cold.

Wear your boots and don’t take them off

Everybody has a pair of boots they overpaid for that they never wear because usually we live on a reasonable facsimile of the sun’s surface. This weekend, bust them out and don’t take them off till your weather app tells you it’s 80 again. Wear them to sleep in if you have to. You need to make that expenditure worthwhile.

Seek emergency socks

And please don’t wear them with flip flops.

Beware falling iguanas

You don’t want to be under the palm tree when those lizardcicles start dropping like some biblical plague has commenced. Stay indoors where it’s safe and you have easy access to red wine.

Invest in blankets

We’re not sure what they are, either, but we understand if you get under them, you will feel less like an extra in “Fargo.”

Wear two hoodies if you’re cold

Don’t be afraid. We know you don’t own a proper winter coat. Stand tall in your shame.

Eat comfort food

You will not have to put on a bathing suit for a few days. Let the bloat begin.

Understand you may actually have to turn on the heat

We know. Turning on the heat is for the weak. But even your dog is shivering.

When it gets cold in Miami, the line for hot churros is out the door at this restaurant

How cold was it? See how these people — and pets — were all bundled up on Miami Beach

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