Colbert on the Texas school shooting: ‘Prayers won’t end this, voting might’

·3 min read

Stephen Colbert

On the Late Show, Stephen Colbert had just learned about the school shooting in Uvalde, Texas, before he pre-recorded his monologue and spoke mournfully about yet another tragic example of US gun violence.

“Let’s pray this time our leaders show a modicum of courage in trying to prevent this from ever happening again,” he said. “But prayers won’t end this. Voting might, so when you vote ask yourself this question: who running for office has publicly stated that they are willing to do anything and everything in their power to protect your children from the criminally insane number of guns in America?”

He reminded people that “your vote is not a theory” before warning of the impending midterm elections.

Related: Jimmy Kimmel on monkeypox: ‘Oh good…something else to be concerned about’

Colbert then spoke of Georgia’s Republican primary and the battle between the incumbent governor, Brian Kemp, and David Perdue. “Why should we even care about these two dinguses?” he asked before explaining that Perdue is endorsed by Donald Trump while Kemp is backed by Mike Pence.

“It’s the thriller in vanilla,” he said. “In this battle there are very fine people on neither side”, he added, saying that this could be the start of a 2024 Pence presidential run. He joked that Pence was “trying to change the Maga message to hang with Mike Pence”.

He then quipped that Trump was “gonna hurt when he discovers it’s not this Perdue that makes chicken fingers”.

He moved on to monkeypox, which is “racing through Europe, hopefully on a unicycle” and already affecting the US. “Crazy conspiracy theories” have inevitably cropped up including one that the US is planning to release a bioengineered version.

“Do you really think the US is currently capable of having plans?” he asked. “We can’t even plan having enough baby formula.”

Jimmy Kimmel

On Jimmy Kimmel Live! the host poked fun about the first case of monkeypox in California. “I have to say for a potentially fatal disease, it’s a lot of fun to say,” he said before playing a clip of a news anchor accidentally replacing the P with a C.

It has also been revealed that Trump was charging the Secret Service to rent rooms at hotels and golf courses, making more than $2m at various properties. Kimmel said that his “only profitable business venture was being president of the United States”.

Former Trump lackey Kellyanne Conway has been releasing more tidbits from her book, now admitting that Trump did in fact lose the election. Kimmel joked that this admission was in “the one place he would never see it, which is a book”.

He then moved on to Georgia and the race between Kemp and Perdue. “This is like Johnny v Amber all over again: nobody wins,” he said.

Seth Meyers

On Late Night, Seth Meyers mentioned a quote from Joe Biden who said that economic recovery in the US will “take some time”.

He joked: “OK, take some time like the Amazon option that saves you a dollar or take some time like Avatar 2?”

He then compared the president’s vagueness to a Magic 8 Ball and mentioned his recent comment that the US would get involved if China were to invade Taiwan. “Well, at least he’s taking a firm stand on problems we don’t have yet,” he said.

Meyers also spoke about comments made by the disgraced Trump lawyer Michael Cohen who said that the former president had a crippling fear of getting pied by a demonstrator at an event. “This feels like some reverse psychology,” he joked.

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