Christie Watson: Deborah James's memoir made me cry – and has shaken me awake

“The world can be a scary place – of course it can,” writes Dame Deborah James in How to Live When You Could Be Dead. “But it is also a beautiful, interesting place full of kind people and fascinating ideas, with lots to feel hopeful about.”

This book, part memoir, part manifesto, is a rallying cry for the rebellious hope that surrounded Deborah until her death on June 28 2022, and now continues in her name, her memory, and here, in her own words. “At the age of 35, I was blindsided by incurable bowel cancer – I was given a less than 8 per cent chance of surviving five years.” She did survive five years, during which time she lost too many close friends, but somehow maintained her radical optimism, her absolute love of life, and her belief that being human is always beautiful, even when it’s terrible.

I worried that overwhelming positivity in the face of death might prove tricky to read, but instead it has shaken me awake, asking myself, what the f--- do I have to complain about? As well as challenging my own perceptions of life and death and how to do both, I imagine the prescriptive chapters full of practical advice (Deborah was a deputy head teacher) written in an easy-to-read style will help many, many people, perhaps especially those with a cancer diagnosis, or facing life limiting illness.

I didn’t love the motivational quotes from famous people slicing occasionally through the text, from Oprah Winfrey to Khalil Gibran: Deborah’s words are full enough of great wisdom. Regardless, I gulped the book down in one sitting, and then sat and cried a long while thinking of the precious, precarious nature of this life, and how every so often you come across an extra-special human being. As the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge pointed out, “Deborah James has captured the heart of the nation.” Indeed, she is the best of us.

I defy anyone to read the love letter at the end of the book that Deborah dedicated to her husband Sebastien, and her children Hugo and Eloise, without actual weeping. But this isn’t a sad story. “My illness has taken away a lot of things from me, but I can now say with absolute honesty that it’s given me a lot too, and strange as it may sound, I’m grateful to it in some ways. Being present is one of those things.” Hope is a character on every single page. There is even humour, and Deborah’s sense of fun. “I really believe it’s OK to laugh, even in moments of darkness or sorrow. Some of the funniest memories are from the saddest moments of my life.”

“My priorities changed completely after cancer,” she writes, “ – the desire to live well and to forge even more meaningful relationships with the people I love was what mattered to me the most.” Deborah shows us the greatest of legacies: “All I’ve ever wanted is for my kids and husband and family to love me and be proud of me…” My thoughts after reading about this incredible woman are with her family, who must be prouder than I can articulate.

Dame Deborah James dedicated her life to helping others, first as a teacher, later – among many other acts of advocacy and kindness – raising over 7 million pounds for Bowelbabe Fund for Cancer Research UK. With this book, she will reach so many more people, providing rebellious hope to the darkest of nights, and quite possibly changing how we think about death forever. But it is her love for her family, ever present in the prose, that is her greatest gift to the world. We must hold our loves ones tightly. How to Live When You Could Be Dead teaches us all that we cannot and must not take our time with each other for granted. But we are also reminded that nobody really ever dies, not when they are truly loved.

How to Live When You Could Be Dead by Deborah James is published by Vermilion at £14.99. £3 from every book sold in the UK will be paid to the Bowelbabe Fund for Cancer Research UK. 

Christie Watson is the author of The Language of Kindness: A Nurse's Story and Quilt on Fire: The Messy Magic of Midlife