Would a Chris by any other name still smell as sweet?
Chris Pratt — dinosaur fighter, intergalactic crusader, voicer of Mario — is known for many things, particularly being a member of the Hollywood Chris Club (HCC), co-chaired by Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth with a permanent seat on the security council for Chris Pine.
These young, incredibly photogenic, white, cis, straight men have had the cinematic world in their vice-like grips for a decade, but it turns out, there's been an impostor amongst their ranks. In a recent interview with SiriusXM's Pop Culture Spotlight With Jessica Shaw, Pratt came out as a non-Chris to those who know him best.
"What do they call you?" Shaw asked The Terminal List star. "Pratt?"
"Yep. Pratt. CP. You know, CP. 'Hey, CP.'" Pratt, or CP, answered. "But no one calls me Chris. My friend, Chad. I went golfing with my friend, Chad, my pastor the other day and he was like, 'No one calls you Chris? I'm gonna call you Chris. Alright, Chris. You're up.' And I was like, 'No, it feels weird. It's not my name. Don't call me Chris.'"
And just like that, Chris Pratt is a 2008 bop from the Ting Tings.
But, to be absolutely clear, Chris is his name. Mary-Jo-Lisa? It's all the same.
With one less acting Chris (one less Chris to fryyyyyyyyyyy) does this mean there's an opening in the HCC? Obviously, Evans and Hemsworth, your buff Marvel Chrises, aren't going anywhere, and neither is Pine, your pilot Chris in the worlds of DC and Star Trek. But what about the secret (and best?) Chris in the game?
Justice for Chris Messina! The moment he broke out that Aaliyah "Try Again" choreography on The Mindy Project, all other Chrises disappeared in my eyes. And then, of course, there was that time Messina showed his range and went blond, setting the internet's collective heart — and its penchant for complete inappropriateness — racing.
No offense but Chris Pratt could literally never. It's time to change up the power dynamic in Hollywood. One Chris at a time.