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If film festivals were members of the family

The recent debacles at Cannes have reminded us of something: film festivals have their own distinct characteristics. Personalities, even. So with that in mind, here’s our attempt to reconcile those personalities by matching popular film festivals with the family member they best represent, starting with…

Cannes is the cranky grandpa

Cannes is basically Woody Allen. (Getty Images)
Cannes is basically Woody Allen. (Getty Images)

The festival is older, established, and, as has been in the news recently, alarmingly out of touch. Therefore, Cannes is the cranky grandpa of the film fest family. For starters, this year they banned “selfies,” which sounds as old and crotchety as if they’d banned “kids’ frisbees landing on lawns.”

After years of criticism for lack of female representation, Cannes seemed to actually be addressing gender inequity this year. Unfortunately that goodwill has now been overshadowed by the fact that they reportedly won’t allow women into premieres if they’re not wearing high-heeled shoes. There’s classy, then there’s just archaic. Maybe instead of a trophy, this year the Palme d’Or winner should be presented with a Werther’s Original covered in lint.

South by Southwest is your older sibling

Jason Schwartzman at SXSW (Getty Images for SXSW)
Jason Schwartzman at SXSW (Getty Images for SXSW)

Austin, Texas's South by Southwest film festival has become as big, if not bigger, than the musical component of the festival. Of course, its combination of films and bands that you may not have heard of, make it like that wise older sibling who always introduces you to cool stuff. Of course, while they seemed cool for a while, after university, they maybe got a white-collar job and partnered with a giant corporation like, say, McDonalds, and now you see them in a whole different light.

TIFF is the cool mom

TIFF staple Jennifer Aniston at the 2014 premiere of 'Cake' (WireImage)
TIFF staple Jennifer Aniston at the 2014 premiere of 'Cake' (WireImage)

The Toronto International Film Festival will usually lean towards the practical, showcasing the reliable prestige films that will come to dominate awards season-- i.e. the vegetables of the movie world.

But beyond these maternal offerings, if you dig a little deeper, TIFF has the genre program Midnight Madness -- which is a bit like finding out your mom’s been hanging out in a biker bar after you go to bed. There’s also the Wavelengths program for experimental film -- which is a bit like finding out that your mom used to drop acid and write poetry while between Vietnam protests.

Sundance is the handsome divorced dad

Robert Redford at Sundance (Getty Images for Sundance Film Festival)
Robert Redford at Sundance (Getty Images for Sundance Film Festival)

It’s hard not to picture our anthropomorphized version of the Sundance film festival as its chairman Robert Redford. By that token, we see Sundance as the handsome, divorced dad who lives up in the mountains ever since splitting up with mom. He shows you cool indie movies when you come over, and is really into designer scarves and winter coats.

Fantastic Fest is the wacky uncle

Come on, Uncle Kevin, you're embarrassing the kids. (WireImage)
Come on, Uncle Kevin, you're embarrassing the kids. (WireImage)


Another Austin-based event, Fantastic Fest is the wacky uncle that doesn’t get invited to Christmas dinner anymore after he set the house on fire that one time. The genre festival specializes in horror, action, sci-fi, and anything out of the ordinary. As far as we know it’s the only festival where debates on film segue into

actual boxing matches, and where bottles of champagne are opened using a Samurai sword.