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How long would James Bond actually survive in 'Skyfall'?

Courtesy Sony
Courtesy Sony

James Bond movies aren’t known for their realism. For instance, a volcano would make a terrible hideout, diamonds

aren’t really forever, and beautiful young women would never find a seventy-something Roger Moore irresistibly sexy.

The new Daniel Craig era of Bond, however, is being held to a higher standard. But the more gritty, realistic iteration of Bond is apparently no less ludicrous than the one who saves the world from cartoonish villains and lives in world in which all women have filthy double entendres for names.

A team of medical professionals recently told Total Film magazine that James Bond would have died seven minutes into “Skyfall.” Seriously, seven minutes! That means by all scientific logic, James Bond didn’t even make it long enough to hear that awesome Adele song.

According to these experts, when Bond was taken down by ammunition that is “normally used to destroy tanks,” it would have turned his lungs “inside out” and then killed him. And the rest of the movie would just be about Judi Dench’s character which, frankly, doesn’t sound that bad.

Furthermore, the doctors (whose surnames were hopefully not “No”) went on to state that Bond could have died at other points in “Skyfall”-- he should have caught hypothermia while swim-fighting in a Scottish loch, probably would have broken his neck falling off that train, and risked infection extracting a bullet from his own shoulder-- though, to be fair, judging by his “promiscuity," risk of infection is probably not James Bond’s biggest concern.

These medical experts also noted that John McClane would have died in “Die Hard” (completely rendering the title meaningless) and that Kevin and the Wet Bandits wouldn’t have survived the events of “Home Alone”-- which would mean that “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York” takes place in some kind of bizarre afterlife dimension.

Of course, logic and science probably have no place in the world of James Bond. For example, here’s another big plot hole: James Bond looks like someone completely different every few years. Seriously, what is up with that?!