Best trade of the offseason: Your power tools for this Joel Embiid balloon sculpture

[Hubie Brown voice]

“OK, now you’re a big basketball fan. Everyone knows that. That’s Number 1. Next thing, you love balloons, because they’re colorful, and they’re fun, and they remind you of a more innocent time. OK?

“On top of that, you know when you see Joel Embiid, that you’re seeing something special. Just so much talent, OK, with the back to the basket and also when he turns to face up, and even stepping out all the way to the 3-point line! And more than anything, really, you just want a way to put all of those things together.”

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Is that the real Joel Embiid, or just a life-like balloon-based facsimile? You’ll never be able to guess. (Image via Craigslist)

Theeeeeeeeeeeeere you go.”

[/Hubie Brown voice]

Good news, rap dudes: that life-sized balloon version of Joel Embiid that you’ve been seeing in your dreams/nightmares/fantasies/repressed urges is absolutely real, and can be yours for the low, low price of … a miter saw, I guess?

From that unstoppable repository of all things great, small, unbelievable and should-be impossible — Craigslist, natch — comes the tale of a Philadelphia-area person who, somehow and someway, became “some sort of balloon prodigy” who “can make literally anything out of balloons,” and who chose to use those powers for the greatest of all possible goods: showcasing your trust in The Process through the creation of a massive Joel Embiid ballon animal.

First, our poster establishes bona fides:

Ridiculous giant balloon sculptures are great for parties, as a gift or just to leave on someone’s porch as a weird and confusing joke. I left a 5 foot T. rex in the first unlocked car I could find and I still laugh about it every day. I can deliver most sculptures by car but large structures like a castle or working balloon pub would need to be finished on site.

You know, I think I can deal with the inconvenience of having the job finished on-site if it means you’re CREATING A WORKING BALLOON PUB. (How does that “work,” by the way? Do you provide the beer, or would I need to? Do I need a liquor license, or would this technically fall under the category of home consumption? I’m not trying to run afoul of the law here; I just want to witness mylar-based magic that ends in suds.)

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Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Dan, surely a life-sized Joel Embiid balloon sculpture must cost dozens, if not hundreds, of dollars. I don’t have that kind of cash on hand!” Good news, broke boy: you don’t need stacks on deck, because our fearless artiste isn’t looking for money; he or she is looking for materials.

Lifesized balloon sculptures take all day to make and can run into the thousands of dollars from party companies most of whom don’t offer anything so customizable to begin with. I am looking to trade for tools. I got bored with balloons and am moving on to make things out of wood.

I am especially interested in:

Jointer/planer

Miter saw

A better miter gauge for my table saw

Impact driver

Router bits or accessories

Oscillating multi-tool

Now, I know what you’re thinking again: “Dan, some of those power tools can cost several hundred dollars!” To that I’d say: can you really put a price tag on this face?

You look Balloon JoJo in the eyes and tell him he’s not worth an oscillating multi-tool. Go ahead.
Do it. (Image via Craigslist)

In your heart, you know the answer. Trust the Process. Run the tools. Reap the benefits. Live forever.

Hat-tip to Kyle Neubeck of Liberty Ballers.

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Dan Devine is an editor for Ball Don’t Lie on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him at devine@yahoo-inc.com or follow him on Twitter!